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Sometimes I’m The Storm Instead Of The Shelter

I’m not sure if today’s message is a confession, a way to make you feel better about yourself as a mom, or maybe just a cry for help, but when my daughter got out of the car this morning, my very first thought was: “I don’t even like you right now.”

Honestly, my last words to her were, “Just… get out.”

🙈

My next thought was: “I don’t even like ME right now.”

My patience takes vacations! It just disappears when I need it the most sometimes.

It’s proof that God has a sense of humor pairing teenagers with a mom who’s simultaneously going through her own hormonal circus.

As I drove away, and my temperature cooled, I wanted to go back and hug her, smother her in kisses, and tell her how precious she is, and how much I really do adore her.

I messed up. Again.

So now I get to lug the weight of guilt and shame with me through this day until I can pick her up from school this afternoon and apologize for my adolescent behavior.

I’m supposed to be the parent. The rock. The steady, compass of security.

We don’t teach maturity and self-regulation by yelling it in to them. We foster it by modeling it ourselves. 😑

This afternoon I will get to model owning my mistakes and asking for forgiveness.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Nadia is a passionately emotional child. Perhaps she gets that from me.

One of my favorite voices of reason for parenting teens is Lisa Damour. She has said (and written) so many amazing things but the one that comes to mind this morning is this simple truth.

She goes on to give the example of when our kids were toddlers, and they’d fall down and scrape their knee. They would immediately look to us and we would instinctively give the calming look and words to assure them, “You’re ok…”

That was so easy for me then. And believe me, I got a LOT of practice with Nadia. 😵‍💫

…though often she would not look to me like Izak did. She has never put too much stock in my opinions now that I think of it.

And maybe that’s part of my problem.

Now, instead of blood from a knee, it’s words or attitude that I seem to take personally, despite my reminder to you all about The Four Agreements.

Don’t Take Things Personally is a hard one for me.

Nadia and I have been through so much together. She’s our miracle baby! I carried the hope of her in my heart for years before I could finally carry her in my arms.

I’ve since carried her in so many directions, for so many things… I’ve cheered her on in so many costly, time-consuming endeavors.

I love that little girl so much.

How do I let my ego get in the way of that love so often!?

In her book Untangled, Damour writes, “Girls often aim their most severe meanness at their mothers—especially if they have had a particularly close relationship in the past—”

I am feeling that lately. I don’t mean to be throwing Nadia under the bus here. It’s just helpful to know, she’s normal!

I truly do believe it’s in these rough, messy places that growth happens.

As heavy as this guilt and shame load feels today, I am embracing the discomfort of it in the hopes that it will remind me to take a breath, so I can respond instead of react, next time.

One of my sentences in my personal statement is, “I am present, and have enough time to savor each moment, and enough space between stimulus and response to lead with love.”

This morning, I did not.

Another of my sentences is, “I am rooted in love, joy, hope, peace and positivity. Love and forgiveness are me default emotion, language, and action.”

This morning, they were not.

And my second sentence, behind, “I am 100% responsible for my mood, beliefs, and actions. I am the creator of my experience, energy and attitude.” is “I am a loving, powerful, positive force for Ali, Izak and Nadia. I adore my family and they get the best of me and my attention.”

🫣 This morning, she did not.

Let’s Work – the exercise

It may sound like I’m wallowing. Maybe I am. (In which case, thanks for listening. 🥰)

But I want to be real with you. Hopefully, you are horrified by my behavior this morning and you may not want to take any more advice from me ever again in light of it. 😜

I’m guessing though that my confession will allow you some relief for your short-comings.

It’s not a contest, but it’s also nice to know you’re not alone.

I’ve gotten out of the practice of saying my personal statement to myself daily and often. I still have it all memorized, but I’m clearly not living it right now, and that’s what matters.

It’s been a busy season. And it will remain so with two active teens so I need to adjust. For me, that means centering myself. Finding space for that breath before I speak.

“I am so centered and connected, I receive guidance from the Holy Spirit.” is another part of my Personal Statement.

My mood so strongly affects my response so I want to be better in tune with my state of being at all times, especially when interacting with my most precious people.

For me, this means I need more prayer time, journaling, and quiet.

What is it for you? What do YOU need in this season of your life mama?

In the end, it doesn’t matter how much we love our kids. They’re going to need therapy when they grow up. 😜

Perhaps it’s more about how much we love ourselves. If we take the time to love ourselves better, we will most definitely love them better too.

Hang in there mamas. Do the best you can with what you have today and always be striving for improvement.

It’s not exhausting, it’s the quiet miracle of transformation… the steady stretch of becoming.

Your future self will thank you for the work you’re doing today. And so will your kids.

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The scoop on poop. Number 2’s a big deal.

Poop matters. Better out than in I say.

There’s just something so satisfying about getting RID of waste. Poop is your body’s way of cleaning house – you are literally “throwing out” toxins, unneeded byproducts, cellular debris, bile, etc.

The faster you move waste out (within reason), the less time harmful compounds linger and potentially reabsorb.

When I sold nutritional supplements we talked about poop a lot. “It has to come out to come off” I would say. Or, “You have to lose it to lose it.”

The topic of poop came up the other night at our house. Nadia was flabbergasted to learn that we all poop at least once a day. Sometimes more.

I’ve always known she struggles in this area. She complained of tummy aches as a child often and still does sometimes. My first response was (and still is) always. “When’s the last time you pooped?”

I was explaining to her, as I have many times before, the importance of fiber.

“What’s fiber?” she asked.

I threw an astonished look at her then noticed her mischievous little grin.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Women are more prone to constipation issues than men, BEFORE we factor in hormone fluctuations. 20.8% of US women suffer vs just 8% of men.

Progesterone levels rise during our menstrual cycle, further slowing gut motility and making bowel movements (BMs) less frequent.

During menopause, declining estrogen can dry out tissues, including those in the digestive tract, exacerbating irregularity.

The obvious consequences of constipation are a bloated, full feeling, potentially leading to hemorrhoids if it’s bad enough, but there are other health reasons to avoid this problem.

Because gut health ties into the immune system (70% of immune tissue is in your gut) and the gut-brain axis, poor bowel health can influence mood, stress, systemic inflammation, and even cognitive function.

A 2022 paper showed that having fewer than ~7 BMs per week (<1/day) was statistically associated with increased all-cause mortality.

To be fair, it is also not good to be pooping several times a day.

Ideally, you poop once or twice a day, but 3 times a week is also acceptable. Not every gut is going to operate exactly the same.

A recent study of 1,400+ healthy adults found that constipation (1-2 bowel movements/week) was associated with elevated levels of microbial byproducts in the blood (ex indoxyl-sulfate, p-cresol sulfate) which are linked to kidneys stress, metabolic disturbances, and systemic inflammation.

Your gut bacteria needs a flow of fiber and waste to “feed” properly. If stool stagnates, what bacteria eat shifts (from fiber to proteins), which leads to more toxic byproducts and less production of beneficial short-chain fatty acids.

Let’s Work – the exercise

Eat 25-30 g of fiber/day.

Drink 91-125 oz of fluids/day (This recommendation comes from the Mayo Clinic and includes liquid from food,)

Exercise – avoid sitting too much.

If you can, use a stool to get your knees above your hips when using the toilet. This straightens the rectal angle and helps pass stool more easily.

Another trick is to twist (turn your shoulders in one direction then the other) while pooping.

Avoid “holding it”. Go when you feel you need to go.

If you’re suffering from constipation and you’re doing all of the above, you may have a pelvic floor issue that needs attention. There are physical therapists who specialize in the Pelvic Floor, like my friend Lea Klein.

Stress and poor sleep can dysregulate gut-brain signals, slowing motility. Gut health is tightly tied to your nervous system.

Many rely on their morning coffee to get things going. Coffee and other warm drinks help with BMs by stimulating peristalsis. Coffee also stimulates the release of hormones like gastrin and cholecystokinin (CCK).

For me, a cup of hot water with lemon works wonders.

In the end, how often you poop isn’t just bathroom trivia – it’s one of the clearest signals of how well your body is running.

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It used to be our village, now it’s the whole crazy world.

When Nadia was in kindergarten and Izak 2nd grade, I was busy working and although I had a nanny, I still called upon other mothers to help me on occasion.

I remember standing in a circle of moms (and Ali) on the playground at drop off one Monday morning. Everyone was quiet while I was thanking this mom and that one for help with different things over the past few days.

I’d made a joke about something stupid I did also and although the women were not laughing, I was. I ended my short speech with, “It takes a village!”

It was silence until my sweet husband chimed in, “And every village needs an idiot!”

I busted out laughing but somehow noticed a look of surprise on a couple moms’ faces.

I realize my husband and I are a bit much for some but I found him hilarious and knew he did not mean it as an insult to me.

They didn’t know him well however and assumed the worst.

I have prided myself on not being easily offended but those who know me well would also know that I AM in fact, sensitive.

I struggle to not take it personally when a customer service representative is rude to me or if someone cuts me off in traffic.

The difference is, when it’s a friend or my husband, I know their intent. I know their heart. I know they love me.

When it’s a stranger, I have to remind myself to assume the best. Don’t take it personally.

Isn’t that interesting? Why should it matter?

Words are just words – regardless of the speaker’s intent or level of concern for me.

How much better would my life be if I could always assume the BEST, or better yet, have no judgement or personal attachment about the words being spoken around, about or to me?

But words have power. Good and bad.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

When Izak was 9 we listened to The Way Of The Warrior Kid by Jocko Willink. As soon as it was finished, he asked if we could listen to it again.

By the end of that year he was waking up at 6am to workout before school and become very interested in all things discipline.

I watched him transform before my very eyes because of a story, written by a complete stranger. Mind you, I’d probably mentioned (more than once) all the benefits of discipline to him before! It’s not like this was a new concept.

He later intensified his healthy eating when he became obsessed with The Spy School series. He wanted the incredible eye sight and memory of one of the hero spies in the book. He even wrote Stuart Gibbs (the author) a letter at one point thanking him.

Jocko Willink and Stuart Gibbs are not part of my village but they have both had a big, positive influence on my son.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of potential negative influences available to him as well.

Today, it is almost impossible to shelter our kids from anything. They have access to everything, good or bad, at their finger tips.

On September 10, Izak saw the horrific murder of Charlie Kirk. The actual footage.

We have a friend (Izak’s age) who goes to Evergreen High School. He was with the shooter moments before the attack and noticed nothing unusual.

He’s now tormented by the events of that day and will be for years to come.

In an instant, so many lives changed forever… for those lucky enough to still be living one.

Of course we talked to Izak, but he also found comfort in hanging with friends who knew Charlie. He reached out to a friend of ours (a retired Marine who’s over 50 years older than him). He went to a vigil at his school and wrote Erika Kirk a personal note.

Last week I told you I have a life outside of my kids. This week, I’m thankful my kids have influences to lean on outside of me.

The challenging balance is allowing a world full of love and positive influence in, while somehow also teaching them to guard their hearts and minds with all their might.

The media, for example, is no longer an objective report of facts. Its intention is not as much to inform us, as it is to sell our attention.

What sells? Drama. There is an old adage in media, “If it bleeds, it leads”–what an awful mantra.

The media’s job is to stir us up so we’ll keep clicking. Our job as moms is to teach our kids how not to be stirred.

Our goal cannot be to shelter them from what is. We need to be models for our kids how to think critically and calmly in a world that profits from panic.

Before we bought this house, we had a different one under contract.

We brought the kids by to see it before we signed the deal and their relator was soooo nice to us. I knew the kids felt like she was our new best friend.

It might sound cynical but I took this opportunity for a lesson and pointed it out to them as we drove away.

“Mary sure was nice, wasn’t she?”

Oh yes, they agreed whole-heartedly.

The conversation that followed was about intentions. Hers mainly and how they may (or may not) be affecting her personality.

This was no poke at Mary! She may well have been that nice to the man holding a sign on the street corner, but I felt it was a real time example to just be aware.

Oddly enough, Mary did not end up being very nice when there was a stucco issue and it did end up costing her clients the deal. 😬

Let’s Work – the exercise

We cannot possibly know the intent of every person who has influence on our children and we cannot shelter our kids from every bad thing the world has to offer.

I also don’t want mine being weary or judgmental of every kind act or person who shows interest in them.

What I can do is model for them how to keep a level head and respond instead of react. Pause to decipher, before any decisions are made.

The world may be out of control, but our response never is. And in that space lies our greatest power.

We can’t silence the world, but we can raise kids who know when to listen, when to question, and when to walk away – and that’s the kind of protections that lasts.

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From victim to vibrant.

I know this is going to make some of you mad. Hear me out.

I’ve talked before about my selfishness as a mother. I’ve confessed I did not put workouts and tennis down while my babies were babies. I did not give up caffeine or chocolate while nursing. Ali and I went to Mexico together, without Izak, when he was 9 months old.

Despite my admittedly selfish behavior, I was still desperate to leave him. I practically threw him at the babysitter and got all the way to the airport before realizing I hadn’t even kissed him goodbye. 🫢

On day 3 of our trip I finally felt myself relax enough to laugh at something Ali said. I remember looking at him and thinking, “I remember you! I LIKE you! We used to have FUN together!”

On our last day he was happy to be heading home. “I miss him” he said to me achingly.

I responded cold-heartedly, “Really? I could use another day.”

When we left him the following year for the same trip, he was 18 months old and I was not as desperate to leave him. By then he was off the boob and I had gotten a bit more of my life back.

Today he spends more time at school, with his friends, playing basketball, cleaning cars and mowing lawns than he does at home.

He feeds himself, puts himself to bed (usually after me) and even drives himself wherever he needs to go. He makes more money than I do and is more handy around the house than his dad.

He doesn’t need us so much anymore. 🥹

When he leaves us in 3 years I’m going to cry (a lot), and I’ll have to hire a handy man, but I will be ok because I have a life, with purpose, relationships, and significance, outside of being Izak’s mom.

When kids go away to college the parents often look at each other and think, “Who are you?”

I’ve seen it first hand. It was maybe not the happiest of marriages to begin with, or maybe it was, but the children got ALL of the attention. From both parents.

Kids provided the perfect excuse, the constant distraction, so that husband and wife would not have to deal with each other.

No connection or communication required.

It’s no wonder divorce is 40% more likely when parents become empty-nesters.

Some of you reading this are raising kids without a spouse already. Keep reading. This message is maybe even MORE important for you.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

There are different seasons of life. Before you were a mom, you were not. You had priorities, likes, dislikes, hobbies, purpose, and passion. You had relationships with people and even one with yourself.

You spent time alone. By yourself! You spent time with friends.

Now, as moms, we can barely pee alone and we are experts at giving. We give our energy, our time, our patience, our creativity, our bodies, our sleep… and then we wake up and do it all again.

Somewhere along the way, we’ve been taught that giving endlessly makes us “good moms.” But here’s the truth: if giving constantly leaves you feeling empty, resentful, or invisible, then the math isn’t mathing.

GUT CHECK:

* Are you running on empty because you need to feel important?

* Do you secretly relish playing the victim role of busy mom?

* Are you pouring yourself into momming so you can avoid facing some real issue you have with your health, your relationships, or yourself?

It’s not selfish to step back and enjoy time alone, or with someone other than your kids. It’s survival. Your energy isn’t bottomless. Your spirit isn’t a vending machine that spits out snacks on demand without ever being restocked.

When was the last time you truly enjoyed your own company? Not scrolling Instagram in the carpool line. Not folding laundry while listening to a podcast. I’m talking about sitting with yourself—breathing, reading, journaling, moving your body, or just being.

If you’re married, when is the last time you gave your husband your full, undivided attention? When’s the last time you made him feel desirable, like you used to? 😬

I know it sounds like I’m asking you to GIVE some more but here’s the point. Are you investing in priorities outside of your kids?

Your kids are going to leave you some day. Hopefully not forever, but your job IS in fact to make them responsible, independent, contributing members of society.

They’re SUPPOSED to leave you some day. You live with them for a season, then there is an even LONGER season after that, where you don’t.

Are you prepared for that?

We need to create space to nurture ourselves and our important relationships outside of the ones we have with our children.

I reignite my energy by cherishing my own company. I’m an introvert (which might shock some of you) so time alone to me, is essential for me to be a good mom.

I need one on one time with my husband to be a good wife. I need uninterrupted conversation with him to feel connected enough to like him.

Our kids see us invest in ourselves. We both play our own sports. We don’t just watch theirs.

They also see us invest in our relationship. We travel, go to dinner, take walks, and have conversations, without them.

I think it’s comforting for our kids to know they’re not the center of our universe. That would be a lot of pressure for a child! I think they get security in knowing that these two who lead them, are a solid, united front.

Let’s Work – the exercise

If you’re thinking, “I don’t have time for that,” let’s be honest—you don’t have time not to. Running on empty isn’t noble; it’s a slow leak that leads to burnout.

Give yourself permission to create space. Start small—ten minutes of silence before the house wakes up, a solo walk, a chapter of a book before bed. Protect that time like you’d protect your child’s nap schedule. You’ll show up lighter, sharper, more energized… and actually able to enjoy the people you love, instead of running on fumes.

Because at the end of the day, your bucket isn’t refilled by giving more. And when it’s empty, it’s empty… so find a way to fill it up.

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51 Treasures, Tricks and Truths To Feel Fabulous

When you receive this it will be one day after my 51st birthday. 🥳

I’ve devoted most of those years to being as healthy and vibrant as possible so I feel like I’ve learned a lot, but I whole-heartedly agree with the saying – the more you learn, the more you realize how much you don’t know.

The science is also evolving. What we THOUGHT we knew, is now not true, in some cases.

My original intent of this newsletter was to share with you things I’ve learned over the years… to save you time digging for answers.

I have to say, I am the happiest, healthiest, most at peace I’ve ever been in my life. I feel amazing, I like how I look and who I am, and I am truly enjoying my relationships, responsibilities and routine right now.

Today, as a gift to you, I want to share with you 51 Treasures, Tricks and Truths that I am finding helpful to me in this season of my life. It doesn’t mean they will be YOUR favorite solutions, but I’m hoping you find at least a few gems in here that make your life better.

1. SLEEP is most important. I can’t nap, but for those of you who can, I’m jealous. Naps can be helpful!

2. Non Sleep Deep Rest (NSDR) sessions help me immensely when I need a nap. Even if I don’t fall asleep, I can function afterwards like I have. Here’s a 20 minute one to try by Andrew Huberman.

3. Similar to NSDR, this 22 minute Yoga Nidra For Sleep on Insight Timer puts me to sleep so fast I’ve yet to hear the end of it.

4. I’m loving these magnesium gummies before bedtime. They’re a yummy treat.

5. I use an eye mask and sometimes my noise cancelling headphones to fall asleep.

6. I try to follow the 321 Rule for sleep. Stop eating (and drinking) 3 hours before bed. Dim lights and stop work 2 hours before bed. Turn off all screens 1 hour before bed. (I’m not always good at this one.)

7. I have an Ooler cooling pad on top of my mattress to help keep me at the optimal temperature. Body temperature is key for sleep and a struggle for a lot of women my age especially. Sleep Eight, ChiliPad, and BedJet are a few options to consider.

8. You know I love my cold plunge. I went 3 weeks without it during this move and it almost killed me. (I was not sleeping well at all.)

9. My level of STRESS plays a role in every other aspect of my wellness, including sleep, and my level of stress is directly tied to my level of thinking so I pay a LOT of attention to my thinking.

10. I’ve not been journaling as much lately but miss it and plan to get back at it. It’s a real form of self-love in my opinion. Just writing to yourself, about yourself, getting to know yourself. 🥰 It’s like a conversation with your best friend… you!

11. It’s REQUIRED that I spend time with and for myself. I indulge myself. I look for ways to make myself happy. I don’t just take care of everyone else in this house. I make it a priority to take care of me too. I listen to what my body wants and needs. I treat myself like the princess I want to be, instead of waiting for anyone else to do it for me.

12. I am a big lover of nature and the outdoors. A good hike to me is therapy.

13. I do not slather myself in sunscreen every time I step outside. I try to always put it on my face, but I’m ok with some sun and the vitamin D it provides.

14. Since our move, I’ve enjoyed a lot of mornings outside watering plants, watching the sun come up. Getting low level sun in your eyes is a great to set your circadian rhythm. (It will actually help you go to sleep easier at night.)

15. Despite our busy schedules, I’ve been finding little moments for one on one time with each of the people living under this roof. It doesn’t need to be a 15 minute conversation. I just search out little moments of connection… a hug, a “How did you sleep?” and really listening to the answer, or sharing a joke. I seek out opportunities to remind them, I’m still here for you despite your growing independence and our full lives. You are important to me.

16. We share meals together (despite our busy schedules) and these are the BEST, because there’s actually time for real conversations. They’re also often more healthy than our dinners on the run.

17. This brings us to NUTRITION. It’s rare for me to eat a meal without a big dose (30+grams) of protein in it.

18. I don’t eat a lot of sweets but I’m LOVING all the palisade peaches this summer. I eat strawberries, blueberries and now have my very own apples, pears, and blackberries (YUMMY!) and will sometimes even top them with whipped cream. But if I do this, it’s dessert… after a meal that included vegetables and protein.

19. While on the topic of blood sugar, every afternoon (or while I’m making dinner) I drink a club soda (or sparkling water) with a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar in it (sometimes I add lemon too).

20. Another trick for regulating blood sugar is AntiSpike created and sold by the Glucose Goddess. You’re supposed to take it before your highest carb meal. I forget to take it as I don’t eat a lot of carbs generally.

21. I start my day with a lot of water.

22. I don’t consume my caffeine for at least 45 minutes after waking up unless I’m working out first thing.

23. I take a lot of creatine. 5 grams/day is the recommended amount for building and maintaining muscle but after reading about creatine’s benefits for our brains I started taking 15-20g/day. It was especially helpful during the move when I was not sleeping as much as I should. Thorne is my new favorite brand.

24. For my overall vitamin, I still take AG1 sometimes but have been taking more Gruns lately. Nadia hated the taste of the kids’ one but Izak and I have been loving these gummies.

25. I’m still using up what collagen I have but I’m less convinced of it’s benefits lately as far as hair, nails and skin goes. There has been some research to suggest taking some after a workout (in addition to regular protein) helps repair us better but the proof for its benefits otherwise are suspect at this point.

26. I still take Armra colostrum almost daily. The kids have not been so good about taking theirs and Nadia has already missed 2 days of school and Izak is fighting something now. I do think it helps our immune system.

27. Another supplement proven to improve your immune system (and has many other benefits) is L Glutamine. I need to start Nadia back on this. 5 g/day is the suggested dose but Dr Rhonda Patrick from Found My Fitness gives her child 10 g/day and swears by it.

28. I’m a big fan of BodyHealth’s electrolytes, Perfect Aminos, Gut Restore and BodyCalm. I think this link will get you a discount if you want to try any of them.

29. None of these supplements are more beneficial than just eating real, whole food. And nothing is more detrimental to your health than consuming highly processed foods (hint, shop around the periphery of the grocery store).

30. It’s a requirement for me that I love every bite I consume. If I don’t like the taste of something, I’ll spit it out.

31. On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being starving and 10 being stuffed silly, I feel best around a 3-4. My brain works better there.

32. I also sleep best at a 3-4. Going to bed on a full stomach is more detrimental to my sleep and recovery than alcohol.

33. I don’t drink much anymore. If I do consume alcohol I try to do it mid-afternoon (before dinner). And I rarely consume more than 2 drinks in a day anymore. Sleep is just too important to me.

34. I try to eat in a peaceful setting. Sometimes I throw a bar down in the car but I find my level of distraction makes a difference in almost everything I do – not just eating.

35. My ENVIRONMENT matters. Clutter makes me crazy. I am MUCH more at peace when my surroundings are in order.

36. I had an organizer help me set up parts of my house when we moved in and she made ALL the difference in helping me create the flow I didn’t even know I needed. Elsa from Awakened Home has helped us before and she is AMAZING.

37. I’m looking at each space in my new home and making it as efficient and comfortable as possible. I’m trying to eliminate steps I do every day by setting things up efficiently.

Ex: Every day I drink a concoction in the morning with several ingredients (most mentioned above). Instead of opening 6 containers each morning to make the drink, I make a week or more’s worth at a time and store in individual containers in our breakfast nook.

38. When I go through the trouble to cook, I intentionally make too much so I have leftovers. (Why cook three times when you can cook once?)

39. I spend a little extra on groceries that make my meal prep and healthy snacks easier (precut veggies, individual servings of guacamole, etc).

40. I spend money on my health in general. Good food and supplements, but also Functional Medicine and good Physical Therapists.

41. Having more than one good PT is important to me. Sometimes a second opinion can save me a LOT of struggle, therapy and pain. And at my age, I have to work to stay in the game and not on the bench.

42. I listen to my body and know the difference between the pain of hard work and pain from my body falling apart. I embrace the former and address the latter, quickly and whole-heartedly.

43. EXERCISE in general is obviously a priority for me. I lift (heavy) weights more than I do cardio these days.

44. I workout with friends.

45. Some workouts don’t feel like workouts (IE tennis, hiking).

46. Some are REALLY HARD workouts that suck.

47. I don’t workout every day anymore and I look forward to each workout.

48. I actually look forward to every day. I love my life. I love my morning routine. I love going to bed at night. I don’t love everything in between but I do love most of it!

49. This comes from gratitude. It’s easy to practice gratitude when I have it this good, but I think it’s a key that many are missing. Focus on the GOOD.

50. I believe in God. I believe HE knows what’s best for me and that I am actually NOT in control of much. I try to control what I can, and leave the rest to Him.

51. My days are filled with passion and purpose. I feel valuable and valued and I like who I am.

I hope this for each of you. I hope I didn’t bore you with this list and I hope you take one thing that might add value to your life and implement it today. 😘

​

Because life says it louder than we ever could.

I think many of us would agree that one of our main objectives as mothers is to raise responsible contributing adult members of society.

When our babies are 1 or 2 and throwing temper tantrums, we know that this is a common behavior at that age and they will eventually grow out of it.

Maybe most of us have gotten the horrifying report from the daycare or preschool that our little angel bit another kid, or in my case, swung a bat to his friend’s head (instead of the pinata) at his birthday party. 🫣

Am I the only parent who has panicked that my little ones might in fact be psychopaths in the making?

I am fascinated by the human brain and how it develops and changes over time.

The frontal lobe of our brains do not fully develop until we are in our 20s. Our kids’ life experiences, and consequences, will determine their ability to make complex decisions, control impulses, plan and reason, more than any words we ever speak (or yell) will.

When I think about formulating behaviors, habits and good decision making skills, both my own and my kids’, the first word that comes to mind is “consequences”.

Consequences drive future decisions, create habits and mold our personalities.

There are good and bad consequences.

If you consider even your bad habits, you are gaining something from this action that keeps you from giving it up.

Consequence – a result or effect of an action or condition

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Interestingly enough, Ali and I never really talked about how we were going to parent our children but we both naturally landed on a priority truth that natural consequences are the best teacher.

We were never spankers. We didn’t even use “Time Out” much, if ever. We did however employ the “What a bummer” phrase given to us by the Love And Logic book we read early on.

Love and Logic taught us how to not be the “bad guys” and let life teach our kids instead.

Consequences are a better teacher than our opinions, warnings, and “I told you so”s.

Years ago, Ali and I were having brunch with our friends Shelly and Mattias. I was complaining how Ali was paying for a nutritionist.

“He’s spending $70/hour for advice that I could give him for free!”

Mattias, the sweetest of humans, quickly and matter of factly responded, “Maybe if you wouldn’t tell him so much OTHER stuff for free, he’d listen!”

😮

🤣

The truth is, the same goes for our kids. We can “advise” them until we’re blue in the face and we start to sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

Wa waa wa wa waa wa wahhh…..

Consequences happen naturally, or can be decided on in advance! I’ve shared how we employed burpees for attitude adjustments and push ups to build Izak’s habit of looking people in the eyes.

The push ups were an agreed upon tactic by Izak when he was 8.

Many would advise NOT to use exercise as a punishment but in our case, it made them stronger, goal-oriented, and more self-confident in the long run.

They learned to like that exhausted sense of accomplishment that comes with completing something hard. (It was usually 50 burpees.)

They did not grow to hate exercise as some have warned would happen.

I’m not suggesting we were right and other “experts” are wrong.

I am however suggesting that every kid is different, every parent is unique and there are many roads to take to the same destination.

… and, a good hard burst of work can change anyone’s mood.

Go for a walk the next time you’re crabby. I guarantee your disposition will improve.

As a mother, I have often struggled with this balancing act of protecting my kids (as mothers are intended to do) and also letting them learn from their mistakes.

Nadia has always been a climber for example. When she was young and I couldn’t find her (happened more often than I care to admit) I would just look UP.

A fall of this magnitude would have been detrimental. That teacher holding the rope was pooping her pants. 😂 She was not prepared for this.

Nor was I quite frankly.

Most importantly, we weren’t sure that Nadia was! Did she know she couldn’t just slide down like you would on a pole? Would she instinctively let go if she tried to and it hurt?

MANY times another mother has instructed her to “get down” while I was close enough to hear/see 😜 and that’s ok. We all have our own levels of comfort, boundaries and norms.

What’s acceptable or “legal” in one household, is NOT in another.

This is part of what makes every kid unique.

We told Izak if he got straight A’s we would pay for his car insurance. He proceeded to get an 89.3% and an 89.4% last semester.

He agrees, he could have done it. He got too far behind early on.

His lack of planning cost him $2800. Do you think he will make that mistake again?

At this point, I can’t honestly say. He’s a teenage boy in ALL the ways right now. 🤨

But one thing’s for sure, my nagging him and begging and pushing and prodding and reminding is not going to prepare him for success down the road. It’s only going to create a wall between us.

There are some lessons words cannot teach.

Every single outcome, behavior, habit, choice, action and belief is due, at least in part, to a consequence.

When it comes right down to it mamas, how important are we? For the most part, we really just need to step on out of the way and let life work its magic!

Let’s Work – the exercise

Where have you been overstepping, nagging or otherwise hovering? If your children are young, NOW IS THE TIME to let go of some of those reins and let life do the teaching. It will save you so much in the long run!

The older they get, the bigger the consequences seem to be for their decisions.

I invite you to openly take ownership of your choices in front of your kids. Show them how life is really just a series of consequences strung together based on previous decisions. Show them how simple it really is.

Model personal responsibility by openly changing behaviors or habits you don’t positively benefit from.

​

No suffering allowed!

In these days of overwhelming advice available to us at our finger tips from all sorts of experts, and people who claim to be, it can be a bit overwhelming on what advice to take.

Keto? Intermittent fasting? Low carb? Vegan? Paleo? Eat breakfast? Don’t eat breakfast?

The truth is, every way has worked for someone… but that doesn’t mean it will work for you.

I’ll say it again… I LOVE how each of us is created uniquely.

It’s not just about the science of the human body! Lifestyles, preferences, genetics, schedules, life experiences, taste buds… so MANY things play in to why something works for one, but doesn’t for another.

We know that insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So if we’re not happy with how things are, we search out information we may be missing.

Here’s the great news.

You don’t need to read another book on nutrition.

You don’t need to listen to another podcast claiming to have THE SECRETs to eating right.

You just need to accept these 5 truths and turn them into habits.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

1 Eat mostly real, single ingredient food.

This is common sense that is often overlooked.

I still grab a bar when I’m in a pinch and lately I have been drinking the heck out of some protein shakes – cuz life’s been BUSY! And that’s ok. But if you are constantly grabbing processed foods, you are putting in a lot of things your body wasn’t meant to digest.

You can also expect to be more hungry. It’s just that simple.

2 Ask yourself before you eat, “Am I actually hungry?”

If we can create the habit of PAUSE between the urge and the reaction, and RESPOND with thoughtfulness, we will often learn that what we really want is a nap, a walk, a glass of water, a hug, acknowledgement, or some other form of soothing.

What are you actually feeling? Don’t you deserve that much?

Most of us have a default setting to grab food for all kinds of reasons not related to actual hunger.

Do yourself a favor and give you what you actually want! It only takes a second to pause and ask, and really listen.

I’m giving you permission to give yourself what you actually need. 🥰

3 Prioritize protein and fiber.

Find protein and fiber sources you enjoy!

I often hear myself moan in delight when I’m chewing on an especially good salad or other form of veggies and meat. I’ve literally asked myself, “Why would I eat unhealthy when eating healthy tastes THIS good?”

I want you to look forward to every bite you take. Don’t choke down calories because someone said you should eat radishes… or whatever you’re suffering through.

Make food FUN again and experiment with recipes and foods you haven’t tried in a long time.

NOTE FOR KIDS – their taste buds change! So reintroduce foods they’ve previously said they don’t like on occasion. 😉

Also, eat these first, before any simple carbs you plan to consume.

A. This will help you feel more full sooner and

B. it helps stabilize your blood sugar.

4 Eat slowly and with full attention.

Have you heard the saying “chew your water and drink your food”?

The idea is we should be chewing our food so many times that by the time we swallow it it’s almost liquid. And sipping our beverages so they absorb bit by bit.

This slow intentionality allows for better digestion and will allow you time to notice when you’ve actually had enough.

I’ve eaten more than one meal standing up lately… doing other things between bites, but this has been a busy season. I am trying to get better now that I can see my counter tops (in some rooms).

5 ENJOY your food!

You should look forward to every meal. Every bite!

Now if you’ve been eating nothing but sugar, moving to healthier food might take a bit of taste bud training but they WILL adjust!

There’s a misconception that you have to eat plain chicken breasts and green beans to look like those fitness models.

A. Do you really want to look like them? And

B. Is this really how you want to live? Does the Ideal You SUFFER to be thin?

My Ideal Woman savors every bite of the cake. And because she does, she only needs the one slice, not the whole dang thing.

Let’s Work – the exercise

Is there one or two of these 5 that resonate with you? Do you see an area of opportunity here? Do you AGREE with what I’m saying?

Be honest. Have you been trying to hunt down some secret trick, supplement or diet that would make eating healthy easy?

Stop searching. Save that energy for fun, connection, sleep or movement.

Your assignment is simple. Eat real food, mindfully, slowly and only when you’re hungry.

​

New Beginnings Are Hard

You only get to send your kids off to their first day of school 12 times.

13 if they go to kindergarten. I guess 14 if they go to preschool.

Nadia started 7th grade today at a new school AND we moved last week! These kids had lived in the same bedroom their whole lives.

That’s a lot to ask of any hormonal pre-teen, but also we are all wired differently. This is a lot for her.

When Ali (my husband) graduated from high school he had attended 7 different schools.

Some of us are naturally more social and flexible. I love how we are all created differently. Two people can face the same situation and because of our unique wiring and life experiences, one will dread it while the other will call it exciting.

Nadia was in tears leading up to the big day. Panic took over her little brain and I could see the desperation in her eyes.

It was gut wrenching to witness and yet, I worry that my kids have it so easy. I welcome these challenges. These are opportunities to face fears, practice resilience, & gain self-confidence.

Imagine the value of having PROOF that “I can do hard things.”

It’s even “better” that we are all exhausted. The varying emotions are amplified by all the stressful events.

Nadia has not had a bed. Or a dresser.

Her room is always messy but this is a whole new category of hurricane.

We’ve made 3 trips to IKEA and still don’t have all the parts we need.

The “automatic” watering system had been turned off for a week before I noticed. Many of the beautiful plants are dead.

The internet wasn’t working.

My cold plunge still doesn’t work. 😫

I have the advantage of 39 more years of supposed maturity and I still did not hold it together. I was not sleeping either and more than once found myself staring at a pile with such complete brain fog I couldn’t even form a thought about what I was looking at, much less where it should go. 🫩

We were a hot mess.

But that’s to be expected when you move after being in a place for 19 years. I brought my babies home to that house.

What I didn’t expect were all the gifts that would be given to me during my “Hell Week”.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Natalie had saved a bunch of moving boxes for us 🙌 so we’d been taking loads over daily to the new the house for about a week. So I was disheartened to see how MUCH we still had to go on the day of the official move. (We were trying to do it all in one day.)

In the middle of my dismay, Adrianna and her daughter literally just showed up at my house with the back of her SUV empty. They helped me load it up and off they went to deliver it for us. 🤯

Who does that!?

That night, after one of the longest days of my life, Mitchel brought us sushi take out for dinner. It was HER birthday!

The neighbors in our new hood have brought homemade zucchini bread, vegetables from their gardens, a box of palisade peaches, an invitation to use their roll away dumpster, emergency gardening help and a hose when I realized I’d killed the gardens, help trying to figure out the sprinkler system… the list goes on.

The kids are feeding dogs and watering plants next weekend for one of the couples already.

Mitchel brought us a 5 course home cooked, delicious FEAST after a particularly rough day and we have been enjoying the leftovers all week.

I’ve received countless texts and calls from old (and new) friends checking in on us – asking how we are surviving and offering help.

We’ve been through more difficult things than a move. Good people showed up then too. I feel so blessed by these kindnesses.

I’ve shown up for myself a few times as well. I did not workout in over a week and it did not even cross my mind to feel guilty about it. 🤣 (Trust me. This is an improvement from the old me.)

I tried to play tennis and was not awesome (as one would expect) and I did not berate myself about it.

I have not been the most patient, calm, cool and collected mom or wife throughout this tornado of a week, but we survived. And I felt grace, many times.

Let’s Work – the exercise

The definition of Grace is courteous goodwill. Divine favor, mercy, or a blessing.

Nadia and I were snuggling in bed last night, after her first day at the new school. We’d not had a particularly “good” evening. We realized we still don’t have all the parts to assemble the dresser and that’s her excuse for the DISASTER in her room. “I have no where to put it all until that dresser is built!”

🤨🙄

But lying there together, both of us exhausted and maybe a little defeated, she said in a soft voice, “Thank you mom, for all you do for us… even the stuff I don’t recognize.”

Warmed my cold heart right up. 😆

It’s a busy season of transition for all of us. I hope Grace shows up for you, whether it’s given to you by you, or from those around you.

And I encourage you (and myself) to find enough to pass on to others as well.

I’m sure these new moms think “Nadia’s mom” is a disaster as I have been chiming in to the text thread asking ALLLL the questions.

“We were supposed to decorate their locker!?” 😳

“What do they wear for volleyball tryouts?”

“What time does school start?” 🤣

The school has already called me to explain that Nadia canNOT just walk on in to the building at 7:30am (because her brother wants to be THAT early on his first day of school).

A teacher called late last night to check on her after seeing “a look of overwhelm in her eyes” when her locker was giving her trouble. 🥰

She went to school today with a CHIP CLIP holding her pants up. 🤣 (She can’t find a belt that fits her and the waist of her pants fit like a hula hoop.)

Girls, I am laughing out loud as I type this. I really think my life should be a sitcom.

So that’s your assignment. Find Grace. Notice when it shows up. Practice using it, on yourself and for others.

This is a tough season for most moms. Practice courteous goodwill.

​

The most important exercise we need to be doing.

My 83 year old dad has probably never been inside a weight room before. He’s walked on a treadmill because he’s had a stress test, but I am relatively certain he’s never climbed on to one with the intent of “working out”.

I remember once coming home years ago to visit and we went out together to check on some cows.

We were climbing up a steep hill, not on a trail. He was forging the way, stomping through about 6 inches of fresh snow, playing with his dogs the whole way up the mountain while I gasped for air behind him.

I was stepping in the footprints he’d made for me and I’m about 33 years younger than him. I was a personal trainer at the time. I could not understand how he was kicking my butt so badly!

On our last trip home I watched him chop (damp) wood in the heat. He worked hard with powerful, full-body, explosive chops, repeatedly.

My kids were impressed. When we returned home Izak texted me asking for video of grandad chopping wood so he could show his friends. ☺️

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Unless you live on a ranch, the physical demands of most life styles these days is not sufficient exercise.

Most of us (women) need to go to the gym and lift heavy stuff. There’s just no substitute.

Lifting heavy is essential for our bone density, as well as maintaining our otherwise deteriorating muscle mass.

I would bet many of you have 5 or 10 lbs dumbbells at home. Even if you’re actually using them, that’s likely not enough.

Research shows the best gains are made when you lift a weight to near failure… meaning, you don’t stop the set (put the weight down) until you could only do 1-2 more reps with proper form.

Be honest. If I showed up in the middle of your set and said, “Keep going” you could probably do 30 more reps. 😉

If you’re willing to do that, go for it, but that takes more guts than muscle strength in my opinion. I’d rather pick a heavy enough weight that I KNOW when my set is done.

Plus, I’m not interested in seeing how LONG my workouts can be. There’s fun stuff to get to in life! We don’t need to be in there all day.

I use garage door openers and TV remotes to describe the difference in our activity levels today vs 50 years ago. As technology advances, we become more and more sedentary.

Find ways to put movement into your day. Go for walks. Sure, add a weighted vest if you want, but just get your 10,000 steps to start.

If you want to live longer, you should also do some high intensity interval training as well. Research shows a strong correlation between your VO2Max and how long you will live.

Here’s an example. Work really hard (get your heart rate up HIGH) for 4 minutes, then recover for 3-4 minutes. Do that 4 times. Here’s a workout video you could do at home.

Doing this type of training twice a week is sufficient.

Obviously mobility, balance and coordination are all good to add in too, but in the interest of keeping this minimal, lifting heavy, moving more, and 2 high intensity workouts/week are your 3 most important goals.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I’d be really curious to know how many of you are already doing the above suggested work. I’m guessing most of you already workout.

But, insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

If you’re satisfied with how you feel right now, then great. Keep doing what you’re doing. But sometimes, we get so used to feeling flat and low-energy, we forget how good we COULD feel.

Ever walked into a dimly lit room and wondered how your kid is able to read in so little light? Most likely, they started reading before the sun went down. It slowly got darker and darker and their eyes just adjusted accordingly.

This is how it works.

The vibrant, bright energy that used to shine within you will get dimmer by the day if you let it.

If you’re NOT currently doing the above, try it out. If you ARE, and you still aren’t getting the results you want, let’s take a hard, honest look at your nutrition.

Here’s what I wrote about nutrition and here’s one about leaning up a bit if that’s your goal.

As always, if there’s any way I can help you specifically (because each of us really is unique), I’m happy to answer any questions you may have.

​

I see you mama. THANK YOU for your hard work.

Back in April I sent you this article explaining how positive affirmations don’t work, unless you do this. It was all about how our energy needs to match (or exceed) our intention for it to be believable/make a difference.

If we truly want to change, we have to pair an elevated emotion with our resolve. We can’t just flatly state, “I am happy” unless we can conjure up a heightened excitement to go with it.

Gratitude is one way to do so. Reminding ourselves how lucky we are can take us from dreary to content… maybe even joyful.

The same is true for receiving feedback.

If you are grumpy, irritated, or downright mad, you will not be able to openly accept even the most true and loving of suggestions.

Imagine this: You’ve had a bad day… like, everything that could go wrong has. You’re slamming dishes into the dishwasher like they’ve personally offended you, complaining loudly to everyone within earshot about how MUCH you had to do today and your husband suggests maybe you should wake up earlier tomorrow so you can have more time in the morning before the kids wake up to get more done.

🤬

His idea may be a valid one, but only a saint is going to enthusiastically thank him for the suggestion in that moment. 🤣

I recently shared this video as an example of how we get to choose what we focus on.

Funny enough, a few people chose to focus on what I did wrong as a parent 😆 instead of how her mood changed.

Validating a child’s feelings IS important. I should have done a better job of that here. I remember once doing it right and the AMAZING conversation it led to.

Nadia (maybe 5 or 6 at the time) had snuck some food (leaving a trail of evidence 🙄) and then lied about it. I got after her for it. I even gave her the “I want to be able to trust you” speech.

She felt horrible and went off to her room in tears. 😢

I passed by her room in a rush on my way to the shower 30 minutes later and saw her still sulking. I poked my head in her door and curtly blurted some form of “Get over it.”

“God has forgiven you. I’ve forgiven you. Forgive yourself and move on.”

But in the shower I realized my mistake. Luckily, she came to me to talk and through the door I apologized.

“I didn’t do that right. I shouldn’t tell you how to feel. You’re right to feel bad! You lied…”

I don’t remember every word that led to me lying face down in my closet, jeans on but no top, elbows on the floor, chin in my hands, nose to nose with this little girl having the BEST conversation…

She was feeling guilty. ❤️‍🩹 Shameful and down about herself. 💔

I had validated those feelings and I wanted to help her move on from that hurtful place.

I touched her little nose, “Your nose is going to grow just like your will power” I assured her.

But also, “I’m 45 years old Nadia and my self-control and self-discipline are not fully developed yet. 😂 It’s normal to want things we shouldn’t have.”

“What do you like about yourself?” I asked her.

I’m tiny.

“You sure are tiny. Nana thinks your tiny because she was tiny when she was young too. Is Nana still tiny?”

She thought about that… not necessarily.

I asked her, “Am I tiny?”

No….

“Is dad tiny?”

No…

“So what happens when you grow up and you’re not tiny anymore? Are you still going to like yourself then?”

She didn’t have an answer for that, but I could see her wheels turning.

“What else do you like about yourself?”

I’m smart.

“How do you know you’re smart?”

Because dad tells me I am and I get straight A’s.

“He does. And you do. But what if they just aren’t challenging you yet? What happens when they start giving you harder math and you get a B? Will that mean you’re not smart anymore?”

Again with the thoughtful look of concern.

I don’t even know how the conversation ended. I just knew in that moment, because her heart was open, I was planting seeds in her little brain that I hoped would grow deep down into roots of self-confidence for her future self.

We never would have been able to have that conversation without her first feeling seen and understood.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Who does that for you?

Nadia started as defensive and mad… then went to shame and self-loathing…

Had I started there, when she had her defenses up, it would have been like planting on cement.

Those walls are hard and not fertile.

Good communication is less about the words we say and more about the intent of the messenger, and the mood in which they are received.

Who’s watering you? Who’s validating YOU?

I think we can all agree momming is hard work. Depending on the age of your kids, and the season you’re in, you may be running on empty about now.

You can’t be a GOOD mom if you’re running on fumes.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I’m hoping you have a village. I’m hoping you have people who support you, encourage you and perhaps even rub up against you a bit when you need to be gently guided back on course.

What would be even better though, is if you could be that for yourself. I want you to practice the concept of being your own best friend.

Mama, your job is not easy. I see you trying. As a member of society, I appreciate your diligent effort to raise kind, smart, independent humans.

Can you feel the walls come down a bit when someone acknowledges your hard work?

Does your mood change if you feel seen… appreciated?

If I don’t hear the “thank you” I was hoping for after handing my kids something, I will say, “Thanks mom.” and they immediately say it, “Thanks mom!” and I know they mean it! It’s strangely satisfying to hear what I wanted to hear, even if I had to ask for it.

Where do you need some validation? Don’t be afraid to ask for it! But also, practice giving it to yourself and notice your mood change for the better.