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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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Sometimes I’m The Storm Instead Of The Shelter
I’m not sure if today’s message is a confession, a way to make you feel better about yourself as a mom, or maybe just a cry for help, but when my daughter got out of the car this morning, my very first thought was: “I don’t even like you right now.”
Honestly, my last words to her were, “Just… get out.”
🙈
My next thought was: “I don’t even like ME right now.”
My patience takes vacations! It just disappears when I need it the most sometimes.
It’s proof that God has a sense of humor pairing teenagers with a mom who’s simultaneously going through her own hormonal circus.
As I drove away, and my temperature cooled, I wanted to go back and hug her, smother her in kisses, and tell her how precious she is, and how much I really do adore her.
I messed up. Again.
So now I get to lug the weight of guilt and shame with me through this day until I can pick her up from school this afternoon and apologize for my adolescent behavior.
I’m supposed to be the parent. The rock. The steady, compass of security.
We don’t teach maturity and self-regulation by yelling it in to them. We foster it by modeling it ourselves. 😑
This afternoon I will get to model owning my mistakes and asking for forgiveness.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
Nadia is a passionately emotional child. Perhaps she gets that from me.
One of my favorite voices of reason for parenting teens is Lisa Damour. She has said (and written) so many amazing things but the one that comes to mind this morning is this simple truth.
The best gift we can give our kids, especially our teenagers, is to try to be a steady presence. Teenagers experience their own emotions as very very powerful and destabilizing and part of how they can feel more secure is if they bring their emotions to their parent and the parent can react, at least outwardly, in a calm way.
She goes on to give the example of when our kids were toddlers, and they’d fall down and scrape their knee. They would immediately look to us and we would instinctively give the calming look and words to assure them, “You’re ok…”
That was so easy for me then. And believe me, I got a LOT of practice with Nadia. 😵💫
…though often she would not look to me like Izak did. She has never put too much stock in my opinions now that I think of it.
And maybe that’s part of my problem.
Now, instead of blood from a knee, it’s words or attitude that I seem to take personally, despite my reminder to you all about The Four Agreements.
Don’t Take Things Personally is a hard one for me.
Nadia and I have been through so much together. She’s our miracle baby! I carried the hope of her in my heart for years before I could finally carry her in my arms.
I’ve since carried her in so many directions, for so many things… I’ve cheered her on in so many costly, time-consuming endeavors.
I love that little girl so much.
How do I let my ego get in the way of that love so often!?
In her book Untangled, Damour writes, “Girls often aim their most severe meanness at their mothers—especially if they have had a particularly close relationship in the past—”
I am feeling that lately. I don’t mean to be throwing Nadia under the bus here. It’s just helpful to know, she’s normal!
I truly do believe it’s in these rough, messy places that growth happens.
As heavy as this guilt and shame load feels today, I am embracing the discomfort of it in the hopes that it will remind me to take a breath, so I can respond instead of react, next time.
One of my sentences in my personal statement is, “I am present, and have enough time to savor each moment, and enough space between stimulus and response to lead with love.”
This morning, I did not.
Another of my sentences is, “I am rooted in love, joy, hope, peace and positivity. Love and forgiveness are me default emotion, language, and action.”
This morning, they were not.
And my second sentence, behind, “I am 100% responsible for my mood, beliefs, and actions. I am the creator of my experience, energy and attitude.” is “I am a loving, powerful, positive force for Ali, Izak and Nadia. I adore my family and they get the best of me and my attention.”
🫣 This morning, she did not.
Let’s Work – the exercise
It may sound like I’m wallowing. Maybe I am. (In which case, thanks for listening. 🥰)
But I want to be real with you. Hopefully, you are horrified by my behavior this morning and you may not want to take any more advice from me ever again in light of it. 😜
I’m guessing though that my confession will allow you some relief for your short-comings.
It’s not a contest, but it’s also nice to know you’re not alone.
I’ve gotten out of the practice of saying my personal statement to myself daily and often. I still have it all memorized, but I’m clearly not living it right now, and that’s what matters.
It’s been a busy season. And it will remain so with two active teens so I need to adjust. For me, that means centering myself. Finding space for that breath before I speak.
“I am so centered and connected, I receive guidance from the Holy Spirit.” is another part of my Personal Statement.
My mood so strongly affects my response so I want to be better in tune with my state of being at all times, especially when interacting with my most precious people.
For me, this means I need more prayer time, journaling, and quiet.
What is it for you? What do YOU need in this season of your life mama?
In the end, it doesn’t matter how much we love our kids. They’re going to need therapy when they grow up. 😜
Perhaps it’s more about how much we love ourselves. If we take the time to love ourselves better, we will most definitely love them better too.
Hang in there mamas. Do the best you can with what you have today and always be striving for improvement.
It’s not exhausting, it’s the quiet miracle of transformation… the steady stretch of becoming.
Your future self will thank you for the work you’re doing today. And so will your kids.
