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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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From victim to vibrant.
I know this is going to make some of you mad. Hear me out.
I’ve talked before about my selfishness as a mother. I’ve confessed I did not put workouts and tennis down while my babies were babies. I did not give up caffeine or chocolate while nursing. Ali and I went to Mexico together, without Izak, when he was 9 months old.
Despite my admittedly selfish behavior, I was still desperate to leave him. I practically threw him at the babysitter and got all the way to the airport before realizing I hadn’t even kissed him goodbye. 🫢
On day 3 of our trip I finally felt myself relax enough to laugh at something Ali said. I remember looking at him and thinking, “I remember you! I LIKE you! We used to have FUN together!”
On our last day he was happy to be heading home. “I miss him” he said to me achingly.
I responded cold-heartedly, “Really? I could use another day.”
When we left him the following year for the same trip, he was 18 months old and I was not as desperate to leave him. By then he was off the boob and I had gotten a bit more of my life back.
Today he spends more time at school, with his friends, playing basketball, cleaning cars and mowing lawns than he does at home.
He feeds himself, puts himself to bed (usually after me) and even drives himself wherever he needs to go. He makes more money than I do and is more handy around the house than his dad.
He doesn’t need us so much anymore. 🥹
When he leaves us in 3 years I’m going to cry (a lot), and I’ll have to hire a handy man, but I will be ok because I have a life, with purpose, relationships, and significance, outside of being Izak’s mom.
When kids go away to college the parents often look at each other and think, “Who are you?”
I’ve seen it first hand. It was maybe not the happiest of marriages to begin with, or maybe it was, but the children got ALL of the attention. From both parents.
Kids provided the perfect excuse, the constant distraction, so that husband and wife would not have to deal with each other.
No connection or communication required.
It’s no wonder divorce is 40% more likely when parents become empty-nesters.
Some of you reading this are raising kids without a spouse already. Keep reading. This message is maybe even MORE important for you.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
There are different seasons of life. Before you were a mom, you were not. You had priorities, likes, dislikes, hobbies, purpose, and passion. You had relationships with people and even one with yourself.
You spent time alone. By yourself! You spent time with friends.
Now, as moms, we can barely pee alone and we are experts at giving. We give our energy, our time, our patience, our creativity, our bodies, our sleep… and then we wake up and do it all again.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve been taught that giving endlessly makes us “good moms.” But here’s the truth: if giving constantly leaves you feeling empty, resentful, or invisible, then the math isn’t mathing.
GUT CHECK:
* Are you running on empty because you need to feel important?
* Do you secretly relish playing the victim role of busy mom?
* Are you pouring yourself into momming so you can avoid facing some real issue you have with your health, your relationships, or yourself?
It’s not selfish to step back and enjoy time alone, or with someone other than your kids. It’s survival. Your energy isn’t bottomless. Your spirit isn’t a vending machine that spits out snacks on demand without ever being restocked.
When was the last time you truly enjoyed your own company? Not scrolling Instagram in the carpool line. Not folding laundry while listening to a podcast. I’m talking about sitting with yourself—breathing, reading, journaling, moving your body, or just being.
If you’re married, when is the last time you gave your husband your full, undivided attention? When’s the last time you made him feel desirable, like you used to? 😬
I know it sounds like I’m asking you to GIVE some more but here’s the point. Are you investing in priorities outside of your kids?
Your kids are going to leave you some day. Hopefully not forever, but your job IS in fact to make them responsible, independent, contributing members of society.
They’re SUPPOSED to leave you some day. You live with them for a season, then there is an even LONGER season after that, where you don’t.
Are you prepared for that?
We need to create space to nurture ourselves and our important relationships outside of the ones we have with our children.
I reignite my energy by cherishing my own company. I’m an introvert (which might shock some of you) so time alone to me, is essential for me to be a good mom.
I need one on one time with my husband to be a good wife. I need uninterrupted conversation with him to feel connected enough to like him.
Our kids see us invest in ourselves. We both play our own sports. We don’t just watch theirs.
They also see us invest in our relationship. We travel, go to dinner, take walks, and have conversations, without them.
I think it’s comforting for our kids to know they’re not the center of our universe. That would be a lot of pressure for a child! I think they get security in knowing that these two who lead them, are a solid, united front.
Let’s Work – the exercise
If you’re thinking, “I don’t have time for that,” let’s be honest—you don’t have time not to. Running on empty isn’t noble; it’s a slow leak that leads to burnout.
Give yourself permission to create space. Start small—ten minutes of silence before the house wakes up, a solo walk, a chapter of a book before bed. Protect that time like you’d protect your child’s nap schedule. You’ll show up lighter, sharper, more energized… and actually able to enjoy the people you love, instead of running on fumes.
Because at the end of the day, your bucket isn’t refilled by giving more. And when it’s empty, it’s empty… so find a way to fill it up.
