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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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Because life says it louder than we ever could.
I think many of us would agree that one of our main objectives as mothers is to raise responsible contributing adult members of society.
When our babies are 1 or 2 and throwing temper tantrums, we know that this is a common behavior at that age and they will eventually grow out of it.
Maybe most of us have gotten the horrifying report from the daycare or preschool that our little angel bit another kid, or in my case, swung a bat to his friend’s head (instead of the pinata) at his birthday party. 🫣
Am I the only parent who has panicked that my little ones might in fact be psychopaths in the making?
I am fascinated by the human brain and how it develops and changes over time.
The frontal lobe of our brains do not fully develop until we are in our 20s. Our kids’ life experiences, and consequences, will determine their ability to make complex decisions, control impulses, plan and reason, more than any words we ever speak (or yell) will.
When I think about formulating behaviors, habits and good decision making skills, both my own and my kids’, the first word that comes to mind is “consequences”.
Consequences drive future decisions, create habits and mold our personalities.
There are good and bad consequences.
If you consider even your bad habits, you are gaining something from this action that keeps you from giving it up.
Consequence – a result or effect of an action or condition
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
Interestingly enough, Ali and I never really talked about how we were going to parent our children but we both naturally landed on a priority truth that natural consequences are the best teacher.
We were never spankers. We didn’t even use “Time Out” much, if ever. We did however employ the “What a bummer” phrase given to us by the Love And Logic book we read early on.
Love and Logic taught us how to not be the “bad guys” and let life teach our kids instead.
Consequences are a better teacher than our opinions, warnings, and “I told you so”s.
Years ago, Ali and I were having brunch with our friends Shelly and Mattias. I was complaining how Ali was paying for a nutritionist.
“He’s spending $70/hour for advice that I could give him for free!”
Mattias, the sweetest of humans, quickly and matter of factly responded, “Maybe if you wouldn’t tell him so much OTHER stuff for free, he’d listen!”
😮
🤣
The truth is, the same goes for our kids. We can “advise” them until we’re blue in the face and we start to sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.
Wa waa wa wa waa wa wahhh…..
Consequences happen naturally, or can be decided on in advance! I’ve shared how we employed burpees for attitude adjustments and push ups to build Izak’s habit of looking people in the eyes.
The push ups were an agreed upon tactic by Izak when he was 8.
Many would advise NOT to use exercise as a punishment but in our case, it made them stronger, goal-oriented, and more self-confident in the long run.
They learned to like that exhausted sense of accomplishment that comes with completing something hard. (It was usually 50 burpees.)
They did not grow to hate exercise as some have warned would happen.
I’m not suggesting we were right and other “experts” are wrong.
I am however suggesting that every kid is different, every parent is unique and there are many roads to take to the same destination.
… and, a good hard burst of work can change anyone’s mood.
Go for a walk the next time you’re crabby. I guarantee your disposition will improve.
As a mother, I have often struggled with this balancing act of protecting my kids (as mothers are intended to do) and also letting them learn from their mistakes.
Nadia has always been a climber for example. When she was young and I couldn’t find her (happened more often than I care to admit) I would just look UP.
A fall of this magnitude would have been detrimental. That teacher holding the rope was pooping her pants. 😂 She was not prepared for this.
Nor was I quite frankly.
Most importantly, we weren’t sure that Nadia was! Did she know she couldn’t just slide down like you would on a pole? Would she instinctively let go if she tried to and it hurt?
MANY times another mother has instructed her to “get down” while I was close enough to hear/see 😜 and that’s ok. We all have our own levels of comfort, boundaries and norms.
What’s acceptable or “legal” in one household, is NOT in another.
This is part of what makes every kid unique.
We told Izak if he got straight A’s we would pay for his car insurance. He proceeded to get an 89.3% and an 89.4% last semester.
He agrees, he could have done it. He got too far behind early on.
His lack of planning cost him $2800. Do you think he will make that mistake again?
At this point, I can’t honestly say. He’s a teenage boy in ALL the ways right now. 🤨
But one thing’s for sure, my nagging him and begging and pushing and prodding and reminding is not going to prepare him for success down the road. It’s only going to create a wall between us.
There are some lessons words cannot teach.
Every single outcome, behavior, habit, choice, action and belief is due, at least in part, to a consequence.
When it comes right down to it mamas, how important are we? For the most part, we really just need to step on out of the way and let life work its magic!
Let’s Work – the exercise
Where have you been overstepping, nagging or otherwise hovering? If your children are young, NOW IS THE TIME to let go of some of those reins and let life do the teaching. It will save you so much in the long run!
The older they get, the bigger the consequences seem to be for their decisions.
I invite you to openly take ownership of your choices in front of your kids. Show them how life is really just a series of consequences strung together based on previous decisions. Show them how simple it really is.
Model personal responsibility by openly changing behaviors or habits you don’t positively benefit from.
