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The Untethered Soul

Dear Reader,

*Disclaimer: There is no way I can do this book justice. Go read the book. It is so profound in fact, that I am cutting it in to two parts. I’m sorry this Part 1 is so long. Please give it a go as I do believe it is life changing information.

We all have continuous chatter going on in our minds. If you pay attention you will notice this constant voice narrating life for you inside your mind.

If you are right now, saying to yourself, “I don’t talk to myself”, that’s the voice.

Sometimes, it’s stating useless information like, “Boy, it’s hot!” or “There’s a bird.”

Why?

In The Untethered Soul, author Michael A. Singer writes,

But, not only does it distract us out of our ideal state of presence, it is often a waste of time & energy turning over issues we have no control over.

You’ll notice it’s often a 2-way conversation. The back & forth chatter is like having an internal roommate.

How many times has that roommate gotten you to believe something that wasn’t actually true? How often does this roommate introduce worry or shame when there would otherwise be none?

It is this roommate that often leads you to assume the worst, take things personally, or misjudge a situation entirely.

If a roommate was in our ear speaking what our internal voice says to us we would kick them out & yet, we still keep listening to this nonsense.

Shoot. I forgot to call Betsy.

Dang it! How could you forget AGAIN?

It was a busy day.

Yeah, but this was at the top of the list!

I forgot to read the list.

How do you FORGET to READ THE LIST!?“

When you catch yourself in this back & forth dialogue, which one are you? Are you getting yelled at or are you doing the yelling?

In fact, if I were to ask you, “Who are you?” how would you answer?

I’m Jill Barghelame.

Well, that’s your name, but who are you?

I’m a wife & mother….

No, that’s not it, because you were still you before you became a wife & mom.

I was born & raised in Idaho, the 4th of 5 children. I rode horses, played sports, eventually went to college…

Nope. That’s what has happened in your lifetime.

The answer Reader, is that you are the witness observing the events, thoughts, & emotions that pass by & through you every day.

Stay with me, because this really does matter.

When you can identify as the witness, & not the narrator inside, not the thoughts or emotions associated with what your body is experiencing, you will lighten in a way that elevates your entire existence.

Freedom is being able to watch your problems objectively, instead of letting them consume you.

Awareness by the mind of itself & the world is consciousness.

Most of us live in fear of any “bad” emotion that might come our way so we build all kinds of thoughts & dialogue to “protect” ourselves from having to feel those emotions.

Trying to manage every aspect of the world around us is exhausting! Thoughts cost energy. How much energy are we wasting on what we have no control over?

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

We experience energy shifts that have nothing to do with food, water, or sleep.

In the book, Singer uses the example of a horrible breakup. Perhaps the girl who got dumped, spends the next four weeks moping around her dark apartment in her pajamas, eating ice cream, & avoiding social outings with her friends.

She has no energy to go out, much less workout. Her heart is closed.

But then, after a month of this, the phone rings & it’s the ex-boyfriend pleading for forgiveness, insisting he made a horrible mistake & begging her to come back.

“Can I come see you?”

Suddenly, she has all kinds of energy! Her heart is racing as she runs around the place cleaning up the ice cream evidence & jumps in the shower for the first time in weeks. Her heart is open.

The heart is an enormous energy center. A beautiful, powerful chakra.

We can close our hearts (a “protective” mechanism) or we can choose to stay open which allows love, enthusiasm, excitement, & energy to flow so freely that it effects those around us as well. It is that noticeable.

We all know someone like this – they radiate love & never seem to be in a bad mood.

What causes the heart to open or close? And how do we keep it open?

Our hearts will close when we bump into a past experience that upset some part of us we never resolved. Our hearts close when we live in fear of “negative” emotions.

To prevent this closure, we need awareness of this tendency & to make the conscious decision to remain open at the time of the upset, so that these energies don’t get locked up inside of us.

Acceptance is the act of letting energies pass through you.

Life is a series of experiences, one after another. Most are so uneventful & mundane they pass right through us, unnoticed.

But sometimes, simple experiences like overhearing a comment or seeing an ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend… These experiences meet resistance in our bodies, get stuck & don’t just pass on through.

They stop us. We start analyzing, mulling over all the possibilities, trying to manipulate & control what we can.

Were they talking about me? Did I see that right?

We are so distracted by what just happened we not only miss the next experience but our emotions strangle the event that might otherwise be NOTHING & turn it into potential scarring that will affect how we process future experiences.

How many times as a child do you think you did not get the level of love & attention you needed in that moment?

How many times did you get your feelings hurt & no one was there to explain you misunderstood the situation?

We all have these experiences that influence our internal chatter, which creates who we become, our relationships, beliefs, fears & desires.

Our ability to notice potential danger is a genius design of course, but when we are so hell bent on controlling every single thing, almost anything can seem like a threat.

How about the ultimate perceived threat, death?

There’s a reason death is called the greatest teacher. Most of what seems important to us today, would instantly lose it’s significance if we knew this was our last day on earth.

Our money, our weight, whether we’re right or wrong, every bad driver, what Shiela said in the meeting … suddenly none of it would matter.

If we knew today was our last, our focus & attention would shift to what IS important.

We would be totally immersed in every conversation, we would listen to every word our child speaks, we’d be sure to let them know how MUCH we love them.

Suddenly, the list of what we’ve valued seems quite petty doesn’t it?

It is our perception, not the events or experiences that matter & our perception is often laced with fear. Fear of loss, fear of failure, fear of not having control over our lives & our surroundings.

Emotions are not good or bad, but we tend to judge them as so. We own them so fully they become a part of our identity, instead of remembering that we are only the observer of them.

We are not depression. We are not joy! These are just things (emotions) passing through us.

We are the awareness that notice these energies coming & choose to resist (close up) or relax & release (remain open).

What we focus on will grow. The tiniest offense will turn into full blown obsession if we choose to focus on it.

If we can be aware enough to notice the initial moment, the first instant the energy starts to swing in one direction, & remind ourselves we are only the witness, we can choose to relax, release, & let that wave pass right on by.

This isn’t about eliminating emotions. It is a practice of not being swept away by them. It is the human tendency to resist or avoid what we deem troublesome (which actually causes MORE harm than we realize) & to keep in our possession what we like or enjoy.

If your teenager hears her crush say, “I love you” she might swoon with all the wonderful emotions associated with feeling loved.

She is not aware enough to understand she is only the witness of such emotions. She feels like they define her.

Her energy, internal dialogue & actions will instantly go to work trying to cling on to that feeling.

She will do whatever she must to keep his attention & love. She obliviously ties her life happiness to this wonderful emotion, & that is why she is entirely crushed when he decides he loves someone else the following week.

She has not changed. Someone ELSE has changed his mind.

Is she allowed to feel sad? Of course!

Will this event leave behind an impression on her heart? Absolutely.

But if her self-worth & identity are not tied to the high or low emotions she feels, if she can separate her Self from those massive extremes, she will not be ruined by the experience.

As long as you’re watching, you won’t get lost in it.

Freedom is not the absence of unwelcome emotions. Greed, jealousy, hurt, shame, loss, attraction & repulsion exist! Freedom is being able to notice & release these emotions, without letting them tie you up in knots.

The cause of every problem is fear. Make it your goal in life to find out what fears you have, then face them head on.

Let’s Work – the exercise

Notice your mind’s continuous desperate need to protect you from your fears then relieve it of that responsibility.

In fact, I want us to purposefully endure some events the ego is trying to protect us from.

When someone cuts you off in traffic or someone says something disrespectful to you, practice just hearing the words or watching the action, then witness the instant protective banter your mind begins.

Notice it, then exhale it away. Do not engage. Do not take your internal roommate’s advice.

Practice the release of your pretend control & see what happens.

Take notes. I can’t wait to hear from you about this Reader.

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Who do you learn from?

Dear Reader,

If you want your kids to take your advice, model for them what it looks like to seek mentorship from someone smarter than you.

When I first came to Denver in 1999 one of my first clients was a man named Gary who ended up being like a father figure/mentor/best friend to me. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known my husband.

For years now, when big decisions need to be made in this house, even Ali suggests we “Call Gary”.

Gary has given me advice, sometimes without my asking for it, & it wasn’t always easy to hear, but he’s always been right.

I think Gary was actually the first to mention this quote to me & it is one reason I love older adults.

A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

One of the first meaningful conversations I ever had with Gary was listening to him reflect on his daughter’s cancer years before.

“My list of what was important shrunk while sitting in that waiting room.”

I also remember hearing him talk about his work. He’d just retired when I met him but he spoke about his career with pure delight.

“I resented the time it took me to shave to get to work in the morning.”

This struck me because most of the people I knew dreaded Monday mornings. I got to witness what it looked like to LOVE your work. I liked what that looked like.

The story of how he ended up owning then selling this company is one worth sharing.

Gary was raised in Aurora, the 2nd of 6 children, in a small 3 bedroom tract home & no extra money to speak of.

His dad sold shoes when he was around but his mom ran the home, provided financially & raised the kids.

Due at least in part to the lack of a hovering parent, Gary was the typical naughty boy of that time & tested what few boundaries he was given before going to work at 14.

At 16 Morey Duman (an relative) was asked to give Gary a chance to work in his scrap metal yard. Gary worked there while finishing high school & eventually spent “about 20 minutes” at Adams State College before changing his mind about higher education.

After brief stints working highway construction & the service, Gary came back to work for his uncle at Du-Wald Steel. He met & married Teresa when he was 25. They had a negative net worth as they owed more on their cars than they were worth.

They sold their TV to Gary’s old roommate so they could buy some groceries since all they had in their “new” apartment was a salt & pepper shaker.

Eventually, he made himself so valuable at his job a customer tried to hire him away, but Gary’s loyalty brought him back to Mr Duman’s office to chat.

Gary often refers to the many turns his life took as “blind luck” but it is plain to see how his good decisions, ethics & loyal nature played a role in all of it.

Gary ended up owning & eventually selling Du-Wald Steel just before I met him.

Gary & Teresa raised 2 adults during their 55 years of marriage. That alone is success, but they have also given away millions of dollars to meaningful charities & causes.

His is truly a rags to riches story & he would give luck all the credit, but I know him.

Humility, generosity & wisdom are not his only redeeming qualities. In all the years I’ve known him, I have never seen him in a bad mood. This can only happen when a person has the intellect needed to keep things in perspective.

He took care of his beloved Teresa during her final years of decline & never complained or felt sorry for himself. In fact, he considered it a gift that he was awarded the honor to do so.

For years he has counseled me in all sorts of areas. He jokingly claims credit for my marriage, but honestly, it was often quite useful to have a male’s perspective while dating & in the early years of marriage.

He’s advised me through every bump in the road for these past 26 years & let me assure you, it has been a rough ride at times. He’s seen me through a breakup, dating, marriage, buying a house, deaths in our family, career changes, 5 years of infertility, 7 years of unexplained illness, financial struggles, family & friend troubles… you name it.

We leaned on his advise, love & support heavily for it all.

I don’t train Gary anymore but we still have lunch on a regular basis. This last lunch date he had a smile of excitement when he asked for an update on Nadia.

I willingly launched in to the frustrations of being Nadia’s mom right now. He listened patiently as I complained, giving example after example, spewing the I’m-a-victim nonsense.

When I finally took a breath for him to respond he almost had tears in his eyes.

I don’t usually ask for Gary’s feedback, but he knows I want it. I shouldn’t quote this because I don’t know exactly what he said but it was something like this…

The moment he started telling me this my annoyance softened into sweet love for my poor daughter, who like all of us, is just doing the best she can with what she has right now.

He’s never given me bad advice. He has told me to swallow my pride, take the high road, quit complaining, & do it without needing a thank you. He’s the reason I cut my hair off years ago, lost 15 lbs after a break up & quit my management role at DU to go work for myself.

He was an amazing example to me in how he loved his wife. When Teresa’s health started to fail her, he showed us all what true love, compassion & protection looked like, & he did it with such grace & respect, it was truly a miracle to witness.

Gary showed me what it looks like to walk through the toughest, most beautiful season of a lifetime with dignity & poise.

Let’s Work – the exercise

In the Arete Warrior curriculum the first weekly assignment is to Interview An Older Adult. The kids are to practice being interested in what someone else has to say. Look them in the eyes & listen to people with more life experience.

I trained an older man named Don for years as well. When he went to the nursing home my days of training him were over, but the days of him training my kids had just begun.

When the kids & I would go visit him every face in the place would LIGHT UP at the sight of these 2 young kids walking through the room full of wheel chairs & bad posture.

Izak & Nadia were too young to care that they were being stared at & almost tackled at times. Now, at 15 & 11 they can talk to anyone & they look people in their eyes when they are introduced.

I’m not bragging. This is just something that was important to me so we made it a priority.

Since Covid it is not as easy to adopt a grandparent or even go visit, especially if you have no familial ties, but my most basic advice would be for you to

A. model to your kids what it looks like to seek mentorship & advice from someone you look up to & respect, &

B. get them around older adults & encourage them to practice listening.

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Some tricks to make your life easier

Dear Reader,

Do you wish you had more time in your day?

If you did, what would you fill it with? Would you just put more on your to do list? Would you snuggle more with your kids? Read more? Exercise?

Before reading the rest, decide now. Truly.

Finish this sentence, thoughtfully.

If I had more time in each day I would _______________.

I wish I could hold you to that.

I’m going to give you some tricks to save you time & hopefully just make your life easier.

But I’m not doing it so you can just shove more busy-ness into your day. Prioritizing is probably the answer to all our time-woes honestly.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Go to bed & wake up 10 minutes earlier.

10 minutes can make a difference. Let’s be honest, those last 10 minutes of your day are probably not essential to your success or overall happiness & if you had even 10 extra minutes each morning, you’d probably be a lot less stressed.

Organize your day. Make lists.

Research shows that lists really do help us use our time more wisely AND reduce our stress in doing so.

A. If your brain is filled with the clutter of the million tasks you have to do, it will not function at an optimal rate &

B. if you can look at a list instead of asking, “What should I do next?” you’ll save yourself some time not having to remember.

I go a step further & have my lists (in my phone) organized into

• Office
• Home
• Needs/ Wants
• Errands

If I’m out & about & have 15 minutes before I have to be somewhere, I glance at the Errands list.

If I’m at my desk & have some time, I look at my Office list.

If I’m out shopping & see table cloths, I have a note in my phone that reminds me the size I need.

I honestly don’t know how people do life without lists.

Plan ahead.

Many swear by the Sunday, 1-hour meal prep system. I personally don’t do it. I just cook extra when I cook.

I try to look at our week & know how many nights we will actually be at home for dinner when I’m at the grocery store & grab enough meat & veggies for that many meals.

Izak is a 15 year old boy who is constantly looking for his next meal. I can see how many would just resort to having chips & other snack foods on hand.

We have chips, but we also almost always have cooked veggies & meat in the fridge for a quick meal. We make a big batch of rice or I buy the individual bowls of rice from Costco.

I did get the kids an InstaPot (also a rice maker) for Christmas but so far they’ve only made rice in it. I am planning to encourage them to look into how to use it as an InstaPot since so many swear this is a huge time saver for quick meals.

*Send me your favorite recipes will ya!? Maybe I’ll add them to the bottom of the next emails for everyone!

I do have a crockpot & love it but in the summers we mostly grill. Less mess & easy to make extra. Win. Win.

When I cut up veggies for Nadia’s lunch, I make enough for a few days worth. (She usually makes her own lunch & when she does, she does not plan ahead like this. That’s ok. We’ll get there.)

I choose to spend a little extra on groceries because healthy food & saving time are priorities of mine. Here are some examples of what’s in my fridge & pantry to make my life easier.

• individual hummus & guac cups from Costco (I put in the freezer & throw in lunches as the ice cube)
• low sugar greek yogurt cups
• grass fed meat sticks
• cheese sticks/squares
• ​low sugar cereals for busy mornings
• already boiled eggs
• I’ve been buying these individual meat packs from Costco
• individual bags of nuts

Empower your children with responsibility as they’re ready.

This one’s a doozy.

I think many of us fall in to the trap of feeling like we have to do everything for our family.

No. Your job is to raise responsible, self-sufficient adults.

Take an assessment of ways you could empower your dependents.

Simple example if you have young kids: Put the cups, plates, forks & spoons down low where your little ones can reach them. Maybe the next step is to teach them how to set the table for dinner.

I was constantly looking for ways to give mine more responsibility. It builds their self confidence & makes them part of the team. It feels good to be helpful, learn new skills & contribute. Don’t deny your kids these opportunities to build their self esteem.

Simple example if you have older kids: Teach them how to do their laundry. (My kids do their laundry. I help when/if I want to, but if they run out of clothes, it’s their problem to solve.)

We sometimes have a 15 minute cleaning party. Turn on some fun music & everyone pitches in for 15 minutes to declutter or clean. I’ve heard of people implementing this nightly but we have too many nights where we are not all at home.

Pay for help.

In exceptionally busy seasons, I will let Izak pick out some meals from FitFoods.

I’m not opposed to buying the premade meals from Whole Foods or Costco.

We’ve tried services like HelloFresh or BlueApron but just felt like it didn’t actually save us time in the end.

I’m weird & actually enjoy grocery shopping but many don’t. Have it delivered.

Get a robot vacuum like this one maybe.

Hire housekeepers. (So many will tell you, including me, that this is life changing.)

I have resorted to putting Izak in an Uber many times already. I haven’t done this with Nadia yet, but I have paid friends to drive her when I couldn’t.

Hire a handyman. I have a running list of things Izak can’t do & pay Bryan to come when the list is long enough.

I had amazing help when the kids were young. My first nanny got SO excited when I asked her one day if she could maybe help me with some things. She LOVED having a list & feeling more useful. I didn’t even call my next nanny a nanny. I called her my WIFE because she helped me so much with everything!

Put things where you use them.

I have an instant hot filtered water spout by my second sink in our kitchen. I often whisk up drinks there as I like even my pre-workout drink hot.

Making my morning hot drink used to take these steps.

• Go get my mug
• get the powder
• to the sink for the hot water
• back to the drawer for the whisker
• whisk
• to the other sink to clean whisk
• put whisker in the strainer
• put whisk away later.

A couple years ago I finally just put the whisker by that sink. That simple move has saved me time in what always seems to be busy mornings. Now I

• go get my mug
• get the powder
• go to sink for hot water
• whisk, rinse, & put back in its stand to dry.

Here’s another example.

I was forgetting to roll my foot on a rubber ball I have every day, because it was hidden away in our recovery bin.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I put that rubber ball by my shoes & now do it quick every time I put shoes on or take them off.

Other examples I can give you… I put some kitchen scissors in a drawer in my kitchen, a dust buster in my laundry room, & spray bottles of stain treatment by everyone’s laundry baskets.

Put replacement trash bags in the bottom of the trash bin.

If you have children who can never find their socks as you’re trying to leave the house, put a small bin of socks by the door.

Buy extra socks & underwear if you’re constantly running out.

Do it as you go, or in advance.

Often, the best way to prevent work later, is to just do it in the first place.

Like rinsing the dishes. If you wait, you’ll spend more time scrubbing.

Clean up one mess before starting another. Don’t let the clutter accumulate in the first place.

Clutter is like mental, physical & spiritual sludge. It truly slows you down, weighs you down & brings you down!

When you unload the Costco load of TP put some under each sink. Unpackage everything as you put it away so you don’t have to tackle it later when you’re in a rush.

Set up autopay on your bills.

Set up the things you buy often on Amazon as subscription. They’re often cheaper too.

MultiTask

I know. You’re surprised I would recommend this one but there are obvious advantages to pairing a mindless task with something productive.

I like to listen to podcasts or a book while I drive, fold clothes, or do dishes. Not ALL the time. Sometimes it’s good to just be present for the mindless task & I relish silence! But I have spent HOURS in the car this year driving Izak to & from his school (often a 30 minute drive each way).

I actually look forward to the drive home after dropping him off, or folding a load of laundry, when I’m listening to something good.

You could also go for a walk while listening. Or, call your mom & visit with her while you take a walk. Walking is underrated by those of us who think it only counts as a workout if we’re sweating. I am actually trying to pay more attention to my step count right now as the research just keeps pointing to its importance!

Invite your child or husband to join you for a task or errand to also get in some quality time.

Examples: I’ve given the kids little massages before bed while we visit about their days. (Also works wonders in calming them down to get to sleep faster).

Invite your child to do an at-home manicure with you (or go get one together).

If you have a hobby they may enjoy, invite them to join you & get some quality time in too!

Win. Win!

Say NO & get rid of it.

How much is on your schedule that you don’t want or NEED to do, but you feel like you SHOULD? Get rid of the “shoulds”.

Do a permanent schedule purge & learn to say no.

That goes for excess STUFF as well. We have purge sessions before birthdays & Christmas. “Make room for Santa.”

And finally, my favorite…

If you find yourself sitting on the pot, unable to produce the movement you were hoping for, twist.

Put your left hand on your right knee & twist yourself to the right like you’re trying to look over your right shoulder. Then do it to the left side. And again to the right if needed.

Your poo has to travel around a corner to get out (which is actually a genius design or we’d all be pooping at inopportune times).

Another option is to slide your kids’ footstool under your feet so you’re in more of a squat position. Or, you can buy a squatty potty.

Let’s Work – the exercise

There are 2 parts to your assignment this week.

1. Implement any of these that may simplify your life &
2. use the extra time you gain for what’s actually important.

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Slowing down to the speed of life.

Dear Reader,

I have journals filled with notes I’ve taken from the many books I’ve read. The Notes app on my phone has countless quotes & statistics I wanted to capture while on the go.

There are a few that I remember being profound when I read them. Mind you, I don’t have the best memory (why I take notes) & I think a book’s impact has a lot to do with where the reader is (emotionally) when they consume it.

I’ve read many about the body – exercise & nutrition, AFTER all I’d read about the subject to earn my Masters Degree in Exercise Physiology.

But quite a few years ago I realized the importance of the mind & spirit. It doesn’t matter how FIT a person is, what their body fat percentage or Vo2 Max is, if they cannot find peace or happiness.

For me, the exercise & diet parts are important to my overall well-being, but I have passed through seasons in my life where I practiced too much of that & it harmed my overall health.

I’d originally intended for these 4 books to be in one newsletter, but as I started to dig in to my notes there were simply too many awesome things I wanted to share with you about each.

I try to keep these emails as short as possible, so I’ve divided this into a 4 part series.

Each of these books changed my thinking, & therefore my life, in profound ways.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

The first book I want to share with you is Slowing Down To The Speed Of Life by Richard Carlson & Joseph Bailey.

This is maybe an example of it being the perfect book for that specific season of life.

A few years ago a friend & life coach stayed with us & saw how rattled I seemed. Constantly.

The morning he was to leave he watched me with an amused look on his face while I frantically buzzed about doing all the “necessary”, “urgent” things.

He finally said sincerely, “I bet it takes you a bit to fall asleep at night.”

A few days after he left this book showed up on my doorstep.

The authors simplify our thinking into 2 different modes. The Analytical or Processing Mode & The Free-Flowing Mode.

Our egos want us to be in the Analytical mode, because it doesn’t like not knowing.

It would rather mull over what we already know to be true (ie things that have happened) than be still & place our trust in the universe or anything else for that matter.

If the ego is not replaying the past, it is likely busy trying to prepare us for the future.

This constant pull to be anywhere but here is the root cause of most of our suffering. We miss what we already have right in front of us, looking for something else.

But if we can quiet that bad boy, & be present, in the now, we will eliminate so much of our stress & anxiety.

In slowing down, we can practice making the quality of each moment more important than getting stuff done, planning for what may or may not be, or rehashing what is already finished.

How many of our conversations or interactions are diminished by our simultaneous expectations, agendas or guilt.

If you dropped something important in a dirty swimming pool, your ego would promptly engage you in the hustle of finding it. However, the struggle would actually lessen your chances of finding it by stirring up the murky waters.

Stillness will let the silt settle & allow you the vision you need to see clearly.

Enjoy the freedom & power of not trying so hard. Just relax.

It is our desperate need to judge each situation, repair what we deem to be damaged, & prevent potential upset that actually limits our ability to relish what is.

Stress is our interpretation of & reaction to an event, not the event itself. That’s why the ego’s attempt to control everything around us is so futile.

The key to slowing down is first awareness – thought recognition. Each time we notice our thoughts as the creators of every moment, we take our understanding up a notch.

Raising your level of understanding around this is like raising the water in/around a log jam in a river, as opposed to trying to pull one log (thought) out at a time.

This is what living in the Free Flowing mode can do for you. Elevate your level of thinking (get out of the Analytical mode) so deep, creative & more inspiring thoughts have room to surface.

Put your problems on the back burner & trust that the solutions will come to you, naturally. The mental wrestling we engage in only creates more stress.

They talk about living above or below the line (based on your level of understanding). You could simplify this enlightenment scale by comparing it to your ego in my opinion.

Reader, I confess, my ego is my biggest area of opportunity right now. I struggle daily (almost every moment) with quieting that beast. Especially when it comes to parenting!

It is my most important focus right now as I feel it is to blame for almost every bit of upset I experience in a day.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I have plenty more notes, some specifically related to parenting, but for now I want to leave you with this summary of strategies for slowing down to the speed of life.

1. Learn to be more aware of the present moment.
2. Accept each moment for what it is. (You’ve never experienced this moment right here before, & you never will again.)
3. Beware the thought attacks. (Treat your thinking like a TV. Feel free to change the channel.)
4. Lower your stress tolerance by getting quicker at thought recognition. (When you lose your patience with your kid, realize it was your thinking, not your child’s actions that made you lose it.)
5. Have compassion for moods. (Life is distorted in a low state of mind, & we all experience low states on occasion.)
6. Practice doing one thing at a time. Meditate.
7. Live in the Free-Flowing Mode as much as possible.

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The pelvic floor is important

Dear Reader,

*A word of warning about today. We are all in different seasons of our lives. This article is going to cover issues that can affect you at all sorts of ages so hang tight.*

Some of us haven’t thought about this part of our body since giving birth.

Some of us are constantly reminded we’ve lost all control over this region every time we get surprised, cough, jump, laugh or sneeze.

And for some of us, this area is to blame for why we don’t enjoy sex anymore. 😵

But most of us, don’t realize the importance of this part of our body for many other reasons! It goes well beyond sex, birth & urination mama.

Let’s take a closer look. Scoot on down to the edge here. 😝

Sorry. Couldn’t help myself.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

When people come to me complaining of joint pain, I consider 3 things.

1. Mobility – Do we have the necessary range of motion?
2. Strength – Are the muscles contracting as they should? Are they strong enough?
3. Stability – Are the ligaments & other tissues that help support the joint doing their job to hold everything together in a sturdy, secure way?

Well the pelvis is a pretty spectacular unit actually consisting of FOUR joints which all work together to provide posture, protect internal organs & facilitate movement.

Our pelvis helps us stand, sit, walk, run, jump, twist, dance, climb, pee, poo, & make, grow & deliver a baby.

Pretty amazing huh?

If you have low back pain (on either side), hip flexor issues, hip pain (bursitis maybe?), a belly “pooch” or diastasis recti (ab separation)… any of these could actually be a direct result of the hip/pelvis unit not working properly.

I’m telling you. This place is worth more of your attention & time.

Have you heard of “no butt syndrome”? Where someone walks around with their butt tucked underneath them?

I have trained many a woman (& man) looking to get a more “perky butt”. It doesn’t matter how many squats, lunges or sprints we do if the hip sockets & pelvic floor are not in proper alignment & working as they should.

Aside from the “reminders” listed above, here are some other common complaints.

1. An increase in urinary urgency & sometimes urine leakage
2. Pelvic Organ Prolapse, or a heaviness in our pelvic floor
3. Frequent UTI’s

Lea Klein is the owner of Klein Physical Therapy & a SUPER smart physical therapist who actually specializes in the pelvic floor. Lea says it is important to see a specialist if you are experiencing these issues.

The important point is, there is help ladies!

I doubt most of us realize how important our breathing is to our health. Did you know there’s a “right way” to breathe? And that it can have severe consequences to your health?

The team of specialists at Klein Physical Therapy could share a plethora of success stories but this one in particular is WHY I am writing this newsletter.

A woman came in complaining of leakage (it had been going on for years). She was unable to exert herself, much less run (& she wanted to)! Lea changed her breathing pattern & worked on aligning her ribcage over her pelvis & in that first visit, there was significant improvement.

It’s not always going to be so “easy”, but what if it is!? How long did that woman NOT run (or do so many other things) because she assumed it was just the way it was.

Lea sees patients all the time who think they just have a small bladder for example. She assured me “It can be trained to lessen urgency with triggers like a key in the door & running water.”

Another patient came in because she felt prolapse (felt like a tampon was falling out) every time she went for a walk. Lea’s team changed the way her foot hit the ground & had her focus on arm swing. They elongated her posture (lifting tall) & again, big changes happened in 1-2 visits.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I don’t know what (if any) issues you are experiencing now, or will in the future, but it’s never a bad choice to focus on your breathing.

Watch this quick 30 second video from Lea & give it a try.

Our posture is also incredibly important! An overly tucked pelvis (butt tucked underneath us) turns off our glutes & increases pressure on our pelvic floor.

An overly forward tipped pelvis (butt sticking out) weakens our abs & our hamstrings.

Your ribcage needs to be stacked over your pelvis for optimal firing of our pelvic floor.

Watch Lea explain proper posture quick in this 90 second video.

Did you learn something you could improve about your posture?

This isn’t an ad for Lea. Maybe it’s not your pelvic floor at all! Maybe you’re letting a nagging shoulder injury slow you down. There are often simple fixes for those if you see the right people.

My main message to you today is “you don’t have to live like this”! You don’t HAVE to settle for aches & pains that slow you down. That’s how you get old Reader.

Your assignment is to become aware of what discomfort creep you have allowed into your daily life & do something about it! Hire someone smarter than you about this issue. You’re worth it.

I have a network of Physical Therapists I work with here in Denver. If you want any recommendations, you know how to find me.

I want to be THIS kind of mom.

Dear Reader,

I might have played house & gone along with the usual hope of “being a mom when I grow up someday” when I was little, but when I met Ali & he said he didn’t want kids, I didn’t argue.

I mean, lets be honest, I just thought that when & if the desire hit me, I’d change his mind then. 😜

My point in sharing that is I didn’t grow up taking notes. I didn’t pay much attention to what traits or skills I would need to be a mom, much less a good one.

My mom made breads & pies from scratch, sewed many of our clothes, & was a soft spoken, patient woman.

To say I did not fit this mold is quite an understatement.

So maybe God knew what he was doing by delaying my ability to just start popping them out the second I decided I wanted one.

Initially, I read books that would help me get pregnant. I believe Taking Charge of Your Fertility was one of the most helpful.

Then, when I finally was, I read the What to Expect When You’re Expecting type books. (Probably pretty outdated by now.)

I can’t remember all the books I read about what to do once we actually had a baby in our house but I do vaguely remember Baby Wise & Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay.

Again, probably outdated by now.

I read a lot more books once they started to show their personality & even more when they were able to start talking back but these 3 were the ones I remember most.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

I read Love & Logic 13 years ago so don’t remember much but the important lesson it taught me was the magic of teaching personal responsibility to our children.

It encouraged us to give the kids choices (instead of always telling them what to do) & letting them experience the consequences of those choices. We could respond to their bad decisions calmly with “What a bummer” & we were not the bad guys! It was their decision that led to their outcome. Genius!

There are good consequences too of course. When Izak was young (5?) he decided he wanted to have the habit of looking people in the eye. We agreed on 10 push ups if he forgot. He got stronger while he gained this habit.

This whole idea stemmed from his innate understanding that consequences shape us. It’s not mom’s job to ask, remind, or beg.

Dr Shefali Tsabary’s The Conscious Parent was important in reminding me this.

I have so many profound quotes written in my journal from this book that I’d love to share with you but I’m trying to be brief. This one actually brings tears to my eyes.

And I will end with this one as it points to the important, ESSENTIAL work I am trying to do with you here in these emails.

Again I say to you, the best gift you can give your children is to be the best version of yourself. If we do the work to know & love ourselves, we give them such a better chance at having that themselves.

This strength alone will outweigh & even undo some of the many mistakes we will inevitably make along their way to adulthood.

And finally, & most recently, Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside helped remind me the importance of connection over correction.

She encourages her readers to take a moment to witness your child’s position or suffering before jumping down their throat to correct them.

We tend to take it personally when our kids are not perfect. I mean, after all, we’ve TOLD them to be!

Before reacting (to anyone really) she reminds us to ask ourselves “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”

She uses the example of our kids having an emotional bank account. The currency is connection. Their behavior often reflects how depleted their account is.

She also reminds her readers often that it’s not too late.

My kids are 15 & 11. I fail them daily. Many times. But I am not going to stop trying to do right by them.

It’s not their fault God landed them here, in this house of crazy.

It’s not their fault I have my own issues & that they scratch at certain wounds I have with their comments, habits or behavior.

It is a beautiful gift God gave us to be able to heal ourselves & remember who we are through the struggles of parenting. When you are triggered by something they say or do, it is only a sign that you have something inside you that needs your attention & love.

​Our triggers reveal what’s asking to be healed.

Let’s Work – the exercise

We will cover that massive understanding in a future email but for now, I encourage you to practice the pause this week. In that pause remind yourself these 3 things.

1. Their behavior is not about me, so I won’t take it personally.

This little mess does not even have a fully developed prefrontal cortex yet. They lack the impulse control & decision making skills that would make my life easier right now.

The sincere, calm “what a bummer” response for me was life changing as it kept me peaceful & gave them back the responsibility.

2. Connection before correction.

My first job requirement is to keep this kid safe, & then to witness & validate who they are & what they’re feeling.

“I bet being a kid is hard. Adults always bossing you around…” or “I can see this is very upsetting to you.” And mean it. Get down to their level to communicate eye to eye with them. Be their equal.

I’ve shared examples of Izak doing this for me one day & I promise you, it is a gift that can crumble walls as they are being built.

Most of us desperately want to be seen & have our emotions validated. Our kids are no exception.

3. They are their own, unique, beautiful soul & my main goal is to not get in the way of that.

I have no idea what that little brain is computing or how their little heart is feeling at any given moment. God made each of us unique. We have different thoughts, sensitivity, wounds & beliefs.

It is not up to us to decide who our kids are going to be. Our job is to witness, validate & empower them with the personal responsibility required to be successful humans.

Remember, you had to decide to become a mom ONE time. You have to decide to be a good mom repeatedly.

I’m here to support you however I can.

​

It’s not what you swallow that matters most.

Dear Reader,

I never thought I could walk myself to a state of worry.

Years ago, before children, I lived about 2 miles from DU where I worked. It was an exceptionally busy time for me as we’d just moved & I had recently acquired 3 new clients (about 6-8 hours/week more work).

I was walking to & from work for my morning clients (about an hour round trip) & then again in the afternoon for the evening group.

Two hours a day of walking would normally be a really great thing. I didn’t even have earphones in. I was not listening to anything. Just enjoying the beauty around me.

At first it was lovely. As a personal trainer you have to be “on” the entire hour, every hour, so I relished the silence & reason to just practice my RBF for a while.

But after a few weeks of this, my mind started to spiral into negativity & worry.

I found myself on these walks worrying incessantly about my nieces & nephews.

My mind created all sorts of things that could go wrong with my family back home, I worried about my husband, what my friends thought of me, nuclear war… whatever!

An idle mind is the devil’s workshop. (Proverbs 16:27)

Essentially, when we are not actively engaged in something productive, our minds tend to wander into the land of negativity. It’s called negativity bias.

I’m NOT suggesting we need to be busy thinking & productive all the time! For so MANY reasons, down time & rest & even boredom are GOOD for us! In fact, most of us could use more of it.

What I am saying, is that if you find yourself ruminating in negative thought patterns, it’s time to put something positive in to break up that spiral.

I think this is where my obsessions with self-improvement books started. I started listening to positive, uplifting ideas, & lo & behold, my mind started to float in more positive directions. I felt like I had control over my thinking again.

What a GIFT!

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

A few months after this experience we lost my husband’s 20 year old sister Nadia in a plane crash.

Three day’s later, while one of her best friends was holed up with us grieving, she got the news that her sister who was home from college had just passed away unexpectedly.

It was a double whammy that had us all frozen in fear.

No one move. Don’t even breathe.

It was such a slap of realization that we have NO control over much of anything.

In the months that followed my personal grief was laced with worry & sadness for my husband & his family.

Then, I started to cough uncontrollably. This is when my 7 year sickness began.

Sometimes in life it’s hard to have a good attitude. But when you add a chronic physical sickness to devastating grief, it becomes even more challenging.

It was a dark time.

When I did go back to work, I was driving because I had to leave the house before sunrise & it was winter. We had an unattached garage, so I had to walk out our sliding glass doors, across the patio & into the garage before getting into my car.

In the dark. Alone.

My mental state was fragile so I was susceptible to that negative bias. Each morning, as I sprinted from the house to the car, I was certain a bad guy was going to be waiting for me somewhere in between.

The relief I would feel when I was in the car with the doors locked, was profound.

It was a horrible experience. Every morning.

I finally confessed this embarrassingly silly routine to a client who was exceptionally wise & sweet. She listened to me with the most compassionate eyes then explained the urgent need to fix this.

She had me picture a freshly cut tree stump. See all the rings? She then held an imaginary rock in her hand & drug it in a circle on that imaginary stump, “This is the first time you have that thought.”

There was barely a line visible from that circle drawn, but then she did it again. And again.

Pretty soon there’s a noticeable dent where those “thoughts” have accumulated.

And after many repeats, there’s an actual groove that makes it harder for the rock (my thoughts) to get out of the rut I am making.

I also remember her saying that my fear, specifically that panic that a bad guy is going to get me, “Those thoughts are not of God.”

I remember exactly where we were when we had this conversation. It obviously had a profound impact on me to be telling it to you all these years later.

But I cannot remember her name. 🙈

Let’s Work – the exercise

We all have thoughts that are not serving us.

Some of us are so deep in that groove we can’t even see a way to climb out to where the world is smooth up there.

If you think you have fat thighs, for example, you’ve probably searched for evidence to validate this.

When struggling to get into a pair of too tight jeans, you’ve probably thought to yourself, “See! These dang thunder thighs.”

Meanwhile, no fewer than 3 friends have thought to themselves, “Dang, I wish I had her legs.” Maybe one of them even said it out loud, but you didn’t hear her because that’s not the evidence you were looking for.

How many times would she have to say it before you’d start to believe that maybe SHE is right & you are delusional?

How deep is your rut?

Let’s say, you DO have thick thighs! Does your focusing on it help you in any way?

Can you see how it would serve you better in 1000 ways to instead think thoughts about how lucky you are to HAVE those thighs!? How beautiful, healthy & capable your body really is!?

Pick a thought you’ve allowed to live so long, it’s been engrained into you so deep, that now it’s a belief.

How would it feel if God, or whoever’s opinion you trust most, broke the news to you that you’re wrong?

This thought you’ve decided was true, is in fact a lie.

How light do you feel shedding the weight of that burden?

Is it worth your time to do some work uncovering a few of those thought patterns & inserting some substitutes?

It’s really none of my business, but I promise if you reply to me with it, you wouldn’t be the only one to think such things of yourself. Perhaps the act of typing it out to me would make you realize how ridiculous it is.

Perhaps not.

But I’m here to “listen” if you care to share.

In the meantime, your assignment is to come up with some positive, believable, TRUE statements that you can insert in place of the ones that aren’t serving you.

​

The most important relationship you have.

Dear Reader,

Do you ever have those random moments where you suddenly realize how lucky you are? It happened to me this morning in the shower.

I am reading the best book right now. Don’t Believe Everything You Think: Why Your Thinking Is The Beginning & End Of Your Suffering by Joseph Nguyen.

He led us through a little thought experiment yesterday. He asked us to close our eyes & think back to a dream we had when we were young. What is something we hoped to become or attain?

We aren’t supposed to force it. Just relax. What comes up?

For me it was instant & surprising.

I could remember an early wish to one day be married, to a smart, handsome, strong man who adored me. He would take care of me, provide financial security & cover me with love & protection. We would probably have kids, maybe live on a ranch in the woods… but the important part was my feeling safe, loved & secure. This husband would protect me from all the scary things in the world.

I might have been 5.

(And this might explain my crush on Rip.) 😜

Today, at 50, I have all that & more. And still sometimes, I have to remind myself how lucky I am. 🫣

As we approach the end of this 365 day unit, it is customary to think of all the ways we want to be better. We make a mental list of all the potential improvements & set about making goals & intentions for the next 365 days.

But this morning in the shower, I had a moment of gratitude for all the things I already am, have & do.

Remember when you wanted everything you have now?

Remember when you hoped to BE who you are today?

Do you have GOOD habits now you had to intentionally work to establish?

We need to take a moment & thank our past self for the gifts she has given us today.

Let’s Work – the exercise

Singing my own praises is not something that feels comfortable to me but, my Ideal Woman is proud of who she is & has no qualms owning all that greatness.

Her GOOD qualities are as much a part of her as her faults.

​I made this journal page for you AND your kids. Please print one off for each of you, or decide on a few of your own prompts for this family activity.

When I do things like this with my kids I tell them I will not look. It’s just for them if they want it to be.

But, when they do choose to share it with me, I am usually blown away.

You will learn so much from this exercise.

1. Your kids are about to show YOU what it looks like to like & be proud of who you are. (Depending on their age.) And,
2. if it IS a struggle for them, it will be impactful to have mom help point out all the wonderful things they may not be able to see about themselves right now.

It doesn’t matter how old they are. If they are too young to write, just ask them what they like about themselves.

What are you good at? What do you like about your body, mind or spirit? What is a special trait about you that makes you awesome? How have you improved in some way recently?

Seriously! We NEED to take some time to celebrate the wins before deciding which challenges to take on next.

There is only one relationship you are in for your entire life. All other relationships depend on the one you have with yourself. Doesn’t it make sense that we should spend some time making sure it’s a good one?

I challenge you to respond with one thing you like about who you are today. 😘

​

Who Do You Want To Be?

Dear Reader,

We have 5.5 weeks left of 2024.

And let’s be honest, they’re BUSY filled with decorating, eating, shopping, wrapping, drinking, planning, treats, traditions, parties… & more eating & drinking.

Oh & don’t forget to be merry in the midst of all that fun.

It’s easy to forget about our priorities when buried in chaos, even if it is good, FUN chaos.

As we wrap up 2024 & look ahead to 2025, let’s take a moment to remember who we want to be.

I call her My Ideal Self & she is inspired by the women I admire.

She has Olivia’s sense of humor & Karmen’s laugh.

She loves unconditionally like Ana & Bonnie.

She has Kristen & Michele’s Catholic devotion.

She is an awesome mom like Jody. She parents as if someone is always watching like Whitney. (😬 Can you IMAGINE!?)

She is so good at her work & still manages to take care of all her family & friends like Lea & Natalie.

She has my mom’s patience & Aimee’s positive attitude.

She has Brandi’s willingness to do what it takes to be healthy.

She is organized like Anna.

She has Beth & Amy’s calm demeanor even in the face of mayhem.

She’s a gentle badass like Katie.

She has a beautiful friendship with her husband like Yasi.

She educates herself so she can have intelligent conversations like Jen & has fun doing so like Cathleen.

She has Jameela’s ability to always be put together, looking fabulous, including her spotless home ready for any impromptu party.

I could go on & on about who My Ideal Self is, but what’s more important is maybe who she is NOT.

My Ideal Woman does not get buried in shame or guilt. She’s not perfect, but she doesn’t beat herself up about it.

She eats the dang cake & loves every bite! She usually stops when she’s had a bit, but if she is overcome with its goodness, she has zero self-loathing when she overindulges.

Her ego is not so huge that she cannot apologize when she makes a mistake. Even to her kids.

Especially to her kids!

She is NOT a Yes Woman. She cherishes her right to say no & has zero explaining to do for it afterward.

It’s just, “No.” No explanation needed, because she does not care too much about what other people think. Their opinion of her is none of her business. (🤩 Imagine the FREEDOM!)

She loves whole-heartedly, but she loves HERSELF that way most of all.

This is a picture of MY Ideal Self. What does yours look like?

Let’s Work – the exercise

When I was in college I was not the woman I was hoping to be. I didn’t know this yet. I just knew that my life & relationships were not what I wanted them to be.

My teacher had us do the following exercise. I was single, but I still think this is an excellent exercise for anyone to do!

WARNING: This is not going to work unless you do it. Truly. I’ve told people about this before & it’s not as impactful if you don’t actually DO it. It won’t take but a couple minutes. I promise.

(PS – remember this one for when your kids start dating!)

Take out a piece of paper and fold it in half. Now close your eyes & envision your ideal spouse or partner.

(I’m going to take the liberty of assuming you are a woman looking for the perfect male here.)

Who is this perfect DREAM partner? How does he act? What is his disposition? What are his tendencies? How does he spend his time? Can he cook? Does he read books, go to comedy clubs or ski? Does he like Indian food? Do his feet stink?

Whatever details you can see… write it all down on one side of the paper.

——-

Now set your pen down & close your eyes again.

What is this ideal partner’s ideal partner like? Is she funny? Sarcastic? Or more serious & smart? How does she respond to disappointment? What do they do together? Is she organized & clean? Or more spontaneous & fun?

Write out whatever details you envision.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Ok, now tear the paper in half down the middle so you have one list on one piece & the other on the other.

Take the half that describers your ideal mate, crumple it up & throw it away.

Now take the half that describes his ideal mate & hang it up on your mirror.

This was SO profound for me because the list of my ideal mate’s ideal mate was NOTHING like me. 😳

The most notable shock was that she was fiercely independent & self-confident. She did not NEED this man to be happy. And at that time in my life, this did NOT describe me.

At all. 🥺

The exciting part is, I’ve come a long way in this area since then 😜 but I would never have even recognized this “area of opportunity” had I not done the work to discover it.

You get to choose who you want to be!

Spend these last 38 days of 2024 rediscovering your Ideal Self.

​

This Trick Could Help Make Your Next Dentist Appointment More Relaxing

Try This To Quickly Calm Your Nerves!

Dear Reader,

If you’re a mother, you’ve been here.

​

Or maybe even here.

​

Today, I want to give you a scientifically proven technique that will help you calm yourself down, quickly!

This is not the “Imagine you’re on a beautiful island…” kind of advice. This trick will actually change your body’s physiology almost instantly!

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

You’ve heard people say (& maybe you’ve said it yourself trying to calm down an upset child or husband), “Take a breath!” You might also notice if someone says to relax, the person receiving the command often exhales & drops their shoulders.

Under stress, our exchange of oxygen & carbon dioxide (CO2) can get compromised which rouses our sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight).

A single breath called a physiological sigh can activate the parasympathetic nervous system (rest & digest).

Let’s Work – the exercise

We are going to do a physiological sigh. Here’s how you do it.

Inhale through your nose until you feel like your lungs are pretty full. Hold for a second, then sniff in more air. Now let it all out s l o w l y through your mouth.

That’s it!

One breathe is effective! Several in a row might be MORE effective, but even just doing this once before you have a hard conversation, respond to your out of control teen, or sit in a dentist’s chair, can help relax your body & give you a better chance at success.

If you want more, here is a short (less than 3 minutes) video of Dr Andrew Huberman explaining the physiological sigh in greater detail.

Please teach this to your kids.

My friend Gina uses it on the golf course. I use it on the tennis court before I serve sometimes. We also use it here before bed…

The options are endless. I hope you find it useful. 🤗 Let me know how it goes!