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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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I want to be THIS kind of mom.
Dear Reader,
I might have played house & gone along with the usual hope of “being a mom when I grow up someday” when I was little, but when I met Ali & he said he didn’t want kids, I didn’t argue.
I mean, lets be honest, I just thought that when & if the desire hit me, I’d change his mind then. 😜
My point in sharing that is I didn’t grow up taking notes. I didn’t pay much attention to what traits or skills I would need to be a mom, much less a good one.
My mom made breads & pies from scratch, sewed many of our clothes, & was a soft spoken, patient woman.
To say I did not fit this mold is quite an understatement.
So maybe God knew what he was doing by delaying my ability to just start popping them out the second I decided I wanted one.
Initially, I read books that would help me get pregnant. I believe Taking Charge of Your Fertility was one of the most helpful.
Then, when I finally was, I read the What to Expect When You’re Expecting type books. (Probably pretty outdated by now.)
I can’t remember all the books I read about what to do once we actually had a baby in our house but I do vaguely remember Baby Wise & Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay.
Again, probably outdated by now.
I read a lot more books once they started to show their personality & even more when they were able to start talking back but these 3 were the ones I remember most.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
I read Love & Logic 13 years ago so don’t remember much but the important lesson it taught me was the magic of teaching personal responsibility to our children.
It encouraged us to give the kids choices (instead of always telling them what to do) & letting them experience the consequences of those choices. We could respond to their bad decisions calmly with “What a bummer” & we were not the bad guys! It was their decision that led to their outcome. Genius!
There are good consequences too of course. When Izak was young (5?) he decided he wanted to have the habit of looking people in the eye. We agreed on 10 push ups if he forgot. He got stronger while he gained this habit.
This whole idea stemmed from his innate understanding that consequences shape us. It’s not mom’s job to ask, remind, or beg.
Dr Shefali Tsabary’s The Conscious Parent was important in reminding me this.
When you parent, it’s crucial you realize you aren’t raising a “mini me,” but a spirit throbbing with its own signature. For this reason, it’s important to separate who you are from who each of your children is. Children aren’t ours to possess or own in any way. When we know this in the depths of our soul, we tailor our raising of them to their needs, rather than molding them to fit our needs.
I have so many profound quotes written in my journal from this book that I’d love to share with you but I’m trying to be brief. This one actually brings tears to my eyes.
I ask to be released from the notion that I have any power or jurisdiction over my child’s spirit. I release my child from the need to obtain my approval, as well as from the fear of my disapproval. I will give my approval freely as my child has earned this right. I ask for the wisdom to appreciate the sparkle of my child ordinariness. I ask for the ability not to base my child’s being on grades or milestones reached. I ask for the grace to sit with my child each day and simply revel in my child’s presence. I ask for a reminder of my own ordinariness and the ability to bask in its beauty. I’m not here to judge or approve my child’s natural state. I’m not here to determine what course my child’s life should take. I’m here as my child’s spiritual partner. My child’s spirit is infinitely wise and will manifest itself in exactly the way it’s meant to. My child’s spirit will reflect the manner in which I am invited to respond to my own essence.
And I will end with this one as it points to the important, ESSENTIAL work I am trying to do with you here in these emails.
It’s no surprise we fail to tune into our children’s essence. How can we listen to them, when so many of us barely listen to ourselves? How can we feel their spirit and hear the beat of their heart if we can’t do this in our own life?
Again I say to you, the best gift you can give your children is to be the best version of yourself. If we do the work to know & love ourselves, we give them such a better chance at having that themselves.
This strength alone will outweigh & even undo some of the many mistakes we will inevitably make along their way to adulthood.
And finally, & most recently, Becky Kennedy’s Good Inside helped remind me the importance of connection over correction.
She encourages her readers to take a moment to witness your child’s position or suffering before jumping down their throat to correct them.
We tend to take it personally when our kids are not perfect. I mean, after all, we’ve TOLD them to be!
As a result, many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need.
Before reacting (to anyone really) she reminds us to ask ourselves “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?”
She uses the example of our kids having an emotional bank account. The currency is connection. Their behavior often reflects how depleted their account is.
…when we really connect with a child, see their experience, allow for their feelings, and make an effort to understand what’s going on for them, we build our capital. Having a healthy amount of connection capital leads kids to feel confident, capable, safe, and worthy. And these positive feelings on the inside lead to “good” behavior on the outside—behavior like cooperation, flexibility, and regulation. So in order to create positive change, we have to first build connection, which will lead kids to feel better, which will then lead them to behave better. But note, behavior comes last. We cannot start there. We must start with connection.
She also reminds her readers often that it’s not too late.
My kids are 15 & 11. I fail them daily. Many times. But I am not going to stop trying to do right by them.
It’s not their fault God landed them here, in this house of crazy.
It’s not their fault I have my own issues & that they scratch at certain wounds I have with their comments, habits or behavior.
It is a beautiful gift God gave us to be able to heal ourselves & remember who we are through the struggles of parenting. When you are triggered by something they say or do, it is only a sign that you have something inside you that needs your attention & love.
Our triggers reveal what’s asking to be healed.
Let’s Work – the exercise
We will cover that massive understanding in a future email but for now, I encourage you to practice the pause this week. In that pause remind yourself these 3 things.
1. Their behavior is not about me, so I won’t take it personally.
This little mess does not even have a fully developed prefrontal cortex yet. They lack the impulse control & decision making skills that would make my life easier right now.
The sincere, calm “what a bummer” response for me was life changing as it kept me peaceful & gave them back the responsibility.
2. Connection before correction.
My first job requirement is to keep this kid safe, & then to witness & validate who they are & what they’re feeling.
“I bet being a kid is hard. Adults always bossing you around…” or “I can see this is very upsetting to you.” And mean it. Get down to their level to communicate eye to eye with them. Be their equal.
I’ve shared examples of Izak doing this for me one day & I promise you, it is a gift that can crumble walls as they are being built.
Most of us desperately want to be seen & have our emotions validated. Our kids are no exception.
3. They are their own, unique, beautiful soul & my main goal is to not get in the way of that.
I have no idea what that little brain is computing or how their little heart is feeling at any given moment. God made each of us unique. We have different thoughts, sensitivity, wounds & beliefs.
It is not up to us to decide who our kids are going to be. Our job is to witness, validate & empower them with the personal responsibility required to be successful humans.
Remember, you had to decide to become a mom ONE time. You have to decide to be a good mom repeatedly.
I’m here to support you however I can.
