If you want your kids to take your advice, model for them what it looks like to seek mentorship from someone smarter than you.
When I first came to Denver in 1999 one of my first clients was a man named Gary who ended up being like a father figure/mentor/best friend to me. I’ve known him longer than I’ve known my husband.
For years now, when big decisions need to be made in this house, even Ali suggests we “Call Gary”.
Gary has given me advice, sometimes without my asking for it, & it wasn’t always easy to hear, but he’s always been right.
I think Gary was actually the first to mention this quote to me & it is one reason I love older adults.
A smart man learns from his mistakes. A wise man learns from the mistakes of others.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
One of the first meaningful conversations I ever had with Gary was listening to him reflect on his daughter’s cancer years before.
“My list of what was important shrunk while sitting in that waiting room.”
I also remember hearing him talk about his work. He’d just retired when I met him but he spoke about his career with pure delight.
“I resented the time it took me to shave to get to work in the morning.”
This struck me because most of the people I knew dreaded Monday mornings. I got to witness what it looked like to LOVE your work. I liked what that looked like.
The story of how he ended up owning then selling this company is one worth sharing.
Gary was raised in Aurora, the 2nd of 6 children, in a small 3 bedroom tract home & no extra money to speak of.
His dad sold shoes when he was around but his mom ran the home, provided financially & raised the kids.
Due at least in part to the lack of a hovering parent, Gary was the typical naughty boy of that time & tested what few boundaries he was given before going to work at 14.
At 16 Morey Duman (an relative) was asked to give Gary a chance to work in his scrap metal yard. Gary worked there while finishing high school & eventually spent “about 20 minutes” at Adams State College before changing his mind about higher education.
After brief stints working highway construction & the service, Gary came back to work for his uncle at Du-Wald Steel. He met & married Teresa when he was 25. They had a negative net worth as they owed more on their cars than they were worth.
They sold their TV to Gary’s old roommate so they could buy some groceries since all they had in their “new” apartment was a salt & pepper shaker.
Eventually, he made himself so valuable at his job a customer tried to hire him away, but Gary’s loyalty brought him back to Mr Duman’s office to chat.
Gary often refers to the many turns his life took as “blind luck” but it is plain to see how his good decisions, ethics & loyal nature played a role in all of it.
Gary ended up owning & eventually selling Du-Wald Steel just before I met him.
Gary & Teresa raised 2 adults during their 55 years of marriage. That alone is success, but they have also given away millions of dollars to meaningful charities & causes.
His is truly a rags to riches story & he would give luck all the credit, but I know him.
Humility, generosity & wisdom are not his only redeeming qualities. In all the years I’ve known him, I have never seen him in a bad mood. This can only happen when a person has the intellect needed to keep things in perspective.
He took care of his beloved Teresa during her final years of decline & never complained or felt sorry for himself. In fact, he considered it a gift that he was awarded the honor to do so.
For years he has counseled me in all sorts of areas. He jokingly claims credit for my marriage, but honestly, it was often quite useful to have a male’s perspective while dating & in the early years of marriage.
He’s advised me through every bump in the road for these past 26 years & let me assure you, it has been a rough ride at times. He’s seen me through a breakup, dating, marriage, buying a house, deaths in our family, career changes, 5 years of infertility, 7 years of unexplained illness, financial struggles, family & friend troubles… you name it.
We leaned on his advise, love & support heavily for it all.
I don’t train Gary anymore but we still have lunch on a regular basis. This last lunch date he had a smile of excitement when he asked for an update on Nadia.
I willingly launched in to the frustrations of being Nadia’s mom right now. He listened patiently as I complained, giving example after example, spewing the I’m-a-victim nonsense.
When I finally took a breath for him to respond he almost had tears in his eyes.
I don’t usually ask for Gary’s feedback, but he knows I want it. I shouldn’t quote this because I don’t know exactly what he said but it was something like this…
You need to go hug her. You need to tell her why she’s so precious to you. She is SPECIAL Jill. She needs to feel how much you love her, just as she is. Right now. Before she “gets it all right”.
The moment he started telling me this my annoyance softened into sweet love for my poor daughter, who like all of us, is just doing the best she can with what she has right now.
Gary dancing Nadia out of the gym one morning.
He’s never given me bad advice. He has told me to swallow my pride, take the high road, quit complaining, & do it without needing a thank you. He’s the reason I cut my hair off years ago, lost 15 lbs after a break up & quit my management role at DU to go work for myself.
He was an amazing example to me in how he loved his wife. When Teresa’s health started to fail her, he showed us all what true love, compassion & protection looked like, & he did it with such grace & respect, it was truly a miracle to witness.
Gary showed me what it looks like to walk through the toughest, most beautiful season of a lifetime with dignity & poise.
Let’s Work – the exercise
In the Arete Warrior curriculum the first weekly assignment is to Interview An Older Adult. The kids are to practice being interested in what someone else has to say. Look them in the eyes & listen to people with more life experience.
I trained an older man named Don for years as well. When he went to the nursing home my days of training him were over, but the days of him training my kids had just begun.
When the kids & I would go visit him every face in the place would LIGHT UP at the sight of these 2 young kids walking through the room full of wheel chairs & bad posture.
Izak & Nadia were too young to care that they were being stared at & almost tackled at times. Now, at 15 & 11 they can talk to anyone & they look people in their eyes when they are introduced.
I’m not bragging. This is just something that was important to me so we made it a priority.
Since Covid it is not as easy to adopt a grandparent or even go visit, especially if you have no familial ties, but my most basic advice would be for you to
A. model to your kids what it looks like to seek mentorship & advice from someone you look up to & respect, &
B. get them around older adults & encourage them to practice listening.
It’s not just Ali & I who benefit from having Gary in our lives. He has been an amazing example to our kids as well. Gary made his health a priority & therefore, despite some aches & pains, he is a very FIT “old man”.
We want to help others become the best, most happy, healthy, successful people possible. I think most of us are looking for excellence, in mind, body & spirit & I am eager to support people on this journey.
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