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Your Kid Isn’t The Problem

Last week’s newsletter clearly struck a chord, so we’re staying one more week with parenting struggles.

Nineteen years ago, in a therapy session, I shared a story about bossing my husband around. I think I was silencing him in front of others or something.

My therapist calmly asked, “Why do you feel you need to do that?”

“Because he’s such a good guy – I want people to like him!”

She paused, then asked, “Why? What would it say about you if they didn’t?”

Her point was simple and uncomfortable: Why does it matter if other people like him? I like him! That’s all that counts.

It was a profound moment for me (obviously, if I remember it all these years later).

Not only the lesson of letting my husband be who he is, but also the epiphany of my annoyance with someone else’s behavior coming back to it being MY issue. Not theirs.

Their behavior isn’t the problem. It’s how or what I’m thinking about it that needs to be addressed.

Fast forward to today, this lesson repeats itself daily in my role as Mom.

I’ve always assumed it’s my job to mold and shape these small humans into responsible, capable, kind adults.

But what if my job is also just to love them for who they already are?

What if I was more eager to be curious than to correct?

One day after kindergarten, Izak got into the car in tears. He’d just gotten in trouble in the carpool line. I don’t remember what he did – but I do remember that he’d just had cupcakes for a classmate’s birthday.

In a calm, interested way, I noticed aloud that this was the second time recently that he’d gotten in trouble after having sugar.

His tears stopped almost instantly as a lightbulb turned on in his little brain.

“And I don’t like how I feel when I eat sugar!”

He has rarely consumed it since.

Just like that.

I didn’t force a rule. I didn’t create a consequence. Curiosity created awareness, which changed his behavior.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Nadia on the other hand has battled me for years with her sugar obsession.

I’ve toyed around with just letting her have it all… but then would eventually put my foot down when she’d get sick or I just couldn’t take it anymore.

When she found out her A1C levels were pre-diabetic, she finally reined it in herself. SHE decided she wanted to eat less sugar, but she still struggles with it.

My friend and therapist Theresa Grzebinski reminded me recently to get curious.

“Curiosity is a superpower!” she told me. “A kid’s behavior is information.”

In her practice and as a mom, she’s interested in the kids’ point of view.

I confess, I often go straight to discipline – but threatening Nadia with whatever consequences isn’t going to make her crave sugar less.

If anything, it’s going to make her want it more.

Last night at her physical, the doctor asked if she’s noticed a difference since eating less sugar.

She shrugged, “Not really.”
😵 I almost screamed.

Since cutting back on the sugar (and adding vitamins and thyroid medication) she’s missed FAR fewer days of school, hasn’t had one migraine, and has had the energy to make it through every diving practice.

All of that is a 180 from where we were.

But she’s 12. And she likes sugar.

So instead of arguing with her, I got curious.

On our drive to Parkour she was in a good mood (timing matters) so I asked her why she thinks she craves sugar so much.

It didn’t take her long to respond.

“I can’t focus without it.”

She went on to explain how hard it is to concentrate, how she sometimes reads the same simple sentence multiple times without getting it.

And there it was. A clue.

I know kids (and adults) who struggle with focus chase dopamine. Sugar delivers it – fast.

It’s not just a lack of discipline. It’s a brain looking for support.

Now that doesn’t mean we throw out all boundaries and let her live on chocolate chips. But it does reinforce the idea that I need to consider she’s wired differently than I am.

I feel better with minimal sugar. She might need a different amount.

Maybe we should limit it more at night (so she can sleep) but allow more during the day. Maybe it means finding other ways to help her focus so sugar isn’t her only tool.

The point is, had I not been curious, I never would have gotten this bit of information that might lead to a more doable solution than me just inserting my power, will and RULES on her.

Curiosity doesn’t mean permissiveness. It means partnership. Shifting from control to collaboration changes everything.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I invite you to listen to my full conversation with Theresa. It’s the kind of wisdom that makes you rethink how you’re showing up – not just as a parent, but as a human.

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The Hardest Leadership Role I’ve Ever Had

Forgive me if I’ve shared this story before but it perfectly describes the difference in my kids.

One night when they were maybe three and seven, I was in Nadia’s room putting her to bed. Nose to nose in the dark, I asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Without hesitation (and with a little devilish grin) she said, “A bee so I can STING people!”

Part of me was impressed with the quick-witted answer; the other part of me was horrified.

I went to Izak’s room next. He lit up when he saw me, arms open wide, inviting me in to snuggle. As he wrapped me up in his arms, I asked him the same question.

He paused thoughtfully before looking me in my eyes and sweetly asked, “What can I be that I’d never have to leave you?”

Same house. Same parents. Two very different humans.

Both of whom I adore.

Fast forward nine years… Izak is still my sweet, thoughtful boy. Nadia and I are in a season of butting heads.

During one of our recent family dinners, Ali asked the kids what three qualities matter most in a husband or wife.

Izak wants to be the hard-working provider. I can’t remember the words he used for each but he painted a pretty traditional picture.

Nadia listened then answered that SHE will be the bread winner, might not get married and doubts she’ll have kids.

The only things she wants to “take care of” are lots of cats and dogs. 🤣

At another dinner, we asked who they admire most.

Izak looked to his dad and, with sincerity that nearly broke us, listed the qualities he hopes to grow into himself.

Nadia’s response was less emotional. “Mitchel because she lives alone, works from home, answers to no one, and has the cutest dog.”

I love Mitchel too, but the insecure, defensive me who’s struggling with her right now, heard I don’t want to be anything like you.

I decided NOT to answer the way my ego wanted to… that before I became her chauffeur, chef, unpaid assistant, head of logistics, and full-time clean up crew, I made really good money – and that the idea of answering to no one sounds quite nice to me about right now too!

But instead I took a breath.

Ali tried to steer the conversation in a more positive direction for me. “What are three things you love about your mom?”

Silence.

With all eyes on me, again I took a breath.

Nadia smirked, “She’s good at yelling.”

I knew Izak was taking his time to get his answer just right. He wasn’t quiet because he couldn’t think of anything, but because he wanted his answer to be as wonderful as I deserved.

My sweet husband became a bit emotional explaining to the kids how lucky they are to have me. He listed out the many things I do for them and said I am the glue that holds this family together. 🥰

Izak did offer something beautiful and heart-felt but I don’t think Nadia ever came up with anything really.

She does not like me very much right now. And although that stings (like a bee) and makes her look like an ungrateful little brat, I have learned that it is normal.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

I am an older mom so I got to watch many of my friends parent before I got my turn.

One girlfriend chose to be her daughter’s best friend. The daughter confided in her mother about everything. My friend felt her job was to just listen; to not offer advice unless it was asked for.

Unfortunately, the daughter chose a bad boyfriend that eventually led to drugs and such bad decision-making they eventually had to cut ties with her altogether – for years.

I’m not saying it was the mom’s parenting that led to this! The “best friends” way of parenting has worked for many I’m sure.

Similarly, two kids can grow up in the same house with the same parents and have two completely different “outcomes”.

This story has a happy ending. The daughter eventually left the boy, got clean, and their family is back together entirely, connected and thriving.

I’m sure there are MANY stories of wonderful mother-daughter relationships all the way through life, with little to no friction and they lived happily ever after.

But I do think those are more rare, than the norm.

For me, avoiding discomfort isn’t the goal. Leading through it is.

Let’s Work – the exercise

Psychologists, parenting experts, and counselors explain why (pre)teen girls go through a season of not liking their moms.

As a child grows up, they need to explore their independence and test their boundaries. They are dealing with all the wild emotions associated with raging hormones and they often unleash their pent up wrath on their safest parent. For a daughter this is often the mom.

I’m not dismissing the mistakes I’ve made, and continue to make, or blaming Nadia for our struggles.

I have failed her repeatedly. It is often my ego that gets in the way of me parenting the way I want to… the way she deserves.

It’s my ego that was stung by her answer at dinner. I have a need to be liked. Appreciated. To feel like I’m doing a good job.

As is always the case, when I’m offended or bothered, there’s a lesson in it for ME. Nadia is entitled to answer freely. I’m entitled to be hurt from it, learn from it, or ignore it.

Often, good parenting is about what you DON’T say, which is unfortunate because (as you know) I have a lot to say.

I continue to strive for connection over correction. I remind myself that I am the adult in the room. And I am constantly looking for grace, in the mirror mostly.

My short-comings are the perfect opportunity for me to model what self-love looks like.

Two things can be true. You can want to be better, but also love who you are.

That’s the example I want to set.

Recently, things have been better between Nadia and me – not because she’s changed, but because I have.

I’ve tried to quiet my ego and elevate my curiosity.

I just reread my favorite leadership book, Extreme Ownership by Jocko Willink.

I am not running a Navy Seal Unit in a war torn country over here, but I am a leader of my children.

Good leaders earn the respect of their team members, they don’t demand it.

Good leaders do not have a victim mentality.

They do NOT lose their cool when things get hard – especially when things get hard.

And right now, this is hard. But it is also my responsibility. Willinks says,

This is NOT an invitation for guilt and shame that I’m not “doing it all right”.

It is instead an empowering reminder to lead by example – to get curious instead of cranky, commit to doing my own self-work to improve, and to not take things personally.

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Your Game Plan For A Less Miserable Spring

Years ago, when I quit my management role at DU (on March 1), I spent the following month or more exhausted. Something wasn’t right.

I should have been bouncing off the walls with energy as I had a lot to be excited about.

It was MY decision to quit! I was looking forward to just focusing on building my nutritional supplement and personal training businesses, I was recently engaged to Ali, and I was moving!

But as it was, I could not seem to keep my eyes open.

It was so debilitating I finally went to the doctor for help.

I remember him trying to pin it on the many life changes I was going through. I left annoyed that he’d treated me like a mental case… like it was all “in my head”.

It was Ali who suggested it might be allergies.

I’d never had allergies before but instantly a lightbulb flickered. I realized in that moment that my overwhelming need was to just close my eyes. Perhaps with was due to something other than fatigue.

I hadn’t been experiencing the typical runny nose, sneezing, watery eye responses I’d seen in allergy commercials.

It was in fact allergies and (without the help of the doctor) I figured out how to treat it and got better.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

This year (in Denver at least) it was a mild winter.

Fewer plant “die-offs” means we will have a longer pollen season and higher pollen counts (trees like cottonwood, juniper, and elm go wild).

Denver has plenty of wind – the perfect delivery system to spread all that pollen all over the place.

So instead of a short annoyance, we’re going to get a slow, draining marathon of a season.

Why we even get allergies

Your immune system basically overreacts to harmless (but foreign) stuff like pollen.

It treats pollen like a threat, releases histamine and you get:

• inflammation

• mucus production

• fatigue 🫩

That fatigue you feel? It’s not in your head. Your body is running a low-grade immune response all day long. That’s exhausting.

Symptoms vary of course for everyone.

I feel fatigue but Nadia is suffering from a sore throat and congestion.

Interestingly enough, that’s not uncommon. Kids often show more upper respiratory symptoms, while adults notice it more in their energy and brain fog.

What actually helps

Control the environment first (this is 50% of the battle)

• Shoes off at the door (pollen hitchhikes in)

• Shower or at least rinse face/hair after being outside

• Wash pillowcases 2–3x/week

• Keep windows closed on high pollen days

• Consider a HEPA filter in bedrooms

Rinse, don’t just medicate

This trick is wildly underused and works better than people expect… Saline nasal spray and/or daily rinse, especially before bed. We use the NielMed.

This literally removes the trigger, not just reacting to it.

Smart medication approach

Non-drowsy antihistamines (baseline support):

• Cetirizine (Zyrtec) is strong, but can cause drowsiness in some.

• Loratadine (Claritin) is milder and less sedating.

• Fexofenadine (Allegra) is often best for athletes (because it’s less likely to cause drowsiness or impair cognitive function).

For congestion try Fluticasone (Flonase) nasal spray. This is a game changer for nasal inflammation (but takes a few days to kick in).

If you want to go the more natural route, WishGarden makes the KickAss Immune that I’m sure most of you have heard of. They also make a KickAss Allergy.

You can also consume a daily teaspoon (or more) of (ideally locally sourced) honey. And if you have a sore throat, try warm saltwater gargles.

For me, my fatigue fix is again very basic (but effective) stuff.

• Hydration (histamine response worsens when dehydrated)
• Extra sleep (non-negotiable during peak weeks)
• Magnesium at night (nervous system support)
• Light movement is better than intense workouts on high pollen days

Also, I know which foods trigger an inflammatory response in me. For many, it’s one or a combination of the following:

• gluten
• dairy
• eggs
• soy
• nuts

And here’s the truth mamas: Your body is already stressed—don’t stack more stress on top (if you can help it).

Nutrition that actually helps

Focus on lowering inflammation and supporting your immune system.

• Omega-3s (fish, chia, walnuts)

• Vitamin C foods (berries, citrus, peppers)

• Quercetin-rich foods (apples, onions) have a natural antihistamine effect

• Stinging nettle (antihistamine) and Bromelain (anti-inflammation)

Here again, much of your immune system resides in your gut so creating the best possible environment is key.

• Remove known triggers like dairy, ultra-processed foods, sugar, and gluten
• Add in fiber and fermented foods (pre and probiotics)

I’ve bored you before about my seven year battle with illness (coughing so hard I cracked ribs). I was being treated for allergies during that time (because they were out of ideas) and although it wasn’t necessarily allergies, it was an overload of inflammation. (Same dif.)

Eliminating eggs and almonds (common triggers) was the first step in my healing journey.

It’s not only FOOD you are consuming. The air you breathe is the actual trigger in this case.

I’m a big fan of being outside, but pollen is highest early morning and on windy afternoons. My best outdoor time is after rain or in the evenings.

How long will this last?

In Denver, typically:

• Tree pollen: March–May (this is our current battle)

• Grass: May–July

• Weeds: late summer into fall

With a mild winter, expect an earlier start and longer overlap, so instead of clean phases, it might feel like one long blur.

Let’s Work – the exercise

1. Control your home environment aggressively

2. Start daily antihistamine + nasal spray early (don’t wait until miserable)

3. Add saline rinses

4. Pull back intensity, support recovery

5. HYDRATE (drink more water than usual). Flush it out.

6. Stay consistent for 2–3 weeks (most people quit too early)

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Proof Is Everywhere (If You’re Looking For It)

I can barely get Nadia to watch the videos I take of her. If she gets any time on instagram she’d rather watch funny animal videos than herself.

I love this about her.

But on our way to Parkour the other day, she stumbled upon my Nadia highlights. A collection of little moments I’ve saved over the years – things she said, outfits she proudly wore (she had QUITE her own style), funny quirks, pieces of her personality that proved to me, this girl is something else.

And she was losing it.

Laughing hysterically. Completely delighted.

It wasn’t that she thought it was funny – anyone would be entertained! It was the way she was looking at that younger version of herself.

With admiration.

Affection.

Genuine love.

She wasn’t critiquing. She wasn’t embarrassed. She wasn’t picking herself apart the way so many of us do.

She was enjoying who she was… on her way to becoming who she is.

We’ve always told her she’s a character – in that moment, she had proof.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Later that week, I was listening to my Hallow app while driving. The speaker was describing God as a Father – arms wide open, ready to embrace us.

I had this unexpected, visceral reaction. I felt my stomach turn with emotion.

My dad is not a hugger and although I don’t wish him to be anything he’s not, I wondered for a brief moment how would I be different if he had been. 🤔

How would it have changed me if I’d grown up with the kind of physical affection my husband gives our kids (and I) daily?

Neither is wrong or right. It just made me think.

Around the same time, I saw a video from Nikki Heyder. She flashed an image on the screen for three seconds and told the viewers to find three blue objects.

Then she took it away and she asked what the yellow object was.

You can easily go look, but I had NO idea. And neither did most people.

Her explanation was simple. Your brain filters reality based on what you’re looking for.

You don’t see everything. You see what you’ve decided matters.

Isn’t this true?

We go through life looking for proof.

If you believe you’re bad at something… you’ll find evidence everywhere. If you think you’re behind… you’ll notice everyone ahead of you. If you feel like you’re failing as a mom… you’ll collect moments that confirm it.

And you’ll miss everything that contradicts it.

Watching Nadia that day made something very clear to me:

She was seeing herself through a lens of love.

Not because her life has been perfect. Not because she’s done everything right.

But because she had been given enough evidence – and enough reinforcement – to believe something good about herself.

And now, that’s what she looks for.

Most of us don’t have childhood highlight reels neatly saved on our phones. But that doesn’t mean the evidence isn’t there. It just means we might have to look for it.

Let’s Work – the exercise

If your brain is always scanning for proof, then you have a choice to make:

What are you going to look for?

Because you will find it. You will always find it.

So maybe today looks like this:

• Look for moments you showed up well instead of where you fell short.
• Notice progression instead of perfection.
• Collect evidence that you’re growing, not failing.
• Remember that who you were wasn’t “cringey”… she was becomming.

If Nadia can look back on her younger self with that much joy and appreciation there’s no reason I can’t learn to do the same.

The way we choose to see ourselves today? That’s the version our kids will learn to see in themselves tomorrow. So we better choose carefully.

We’re not just shaping our own story. We’re quietly teaching them what to look for in theirs.

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Before It’s Over

We’ve (barely) survived the flu season here at the Barghelame house.

Nadia was on the cusp of pneumonia, bringing her school absence total to 16 for the year, and Izak still doesn’t have his voice back… but we survived.

We were popping zinc, vitamin C, elderberry, and Quercitin like candy and finally set up a humidifier in Izak’s room.

Of course if we’d just been better about all that BEFORE the flu hit, we probably would have escaped the whole disaster.

The same was true for much of Nadia’s health over the last six months. Aside from the thyroid issue, much of it could have been avoided if I’d simply enforced the fundamentals better: more water, less sugar, take your vitamins.

Makes me ask the question I ask often actually – What am I going to look back on today and wish I’d done differently?

Stay with me. We’re taking a turn.

When I finally became pregnant after many failed attempts, I excitedly told some friends. One of them happened to be an OB-GYN, and she scolded me for telling people so early.

I was only about seven weeks along.

“50% end badly” was her basic message.

Her intentions were well-meaning but I was crushed. I called my mom when I left their house to tell her what had just happened. She listened intently then wisely responded with, “Well! You’re pregnant NOW so why not celebrate it while you ARE!?”

I’ll never forget that excellent advice.

I’d included so many in my struggles to GET pregnant, I’d probably be seeking their comfort if I lost it, so why not let them celebrate with me while I was?

And why deprive myself of the FUN of finally being pregnant? Even if it was going to only be for a few weeks.

As it was, I didn’t lose the baby.

And Izak is still worth celebrating.

Here’s another example.

Recently I was struggling again with ruminating negative, disastrous, end-of-the-world scenarios at night. The kind that make you dread going to bed.

One night I was trying to logically talk myself out of it when I suddenly noticed the irony.

The conversation in my head went something like this:

“What if a nuclear bomb goes off?”

Well, then all this wonderful life I have right now would be over.

Gee. Won’t that be tragic?

And that’s when it hit me. Am I really ENJOYING what I have NOW while I have it?

If something catastrophic happened tomorrow and my life as I know it ended… would I have appreciated all that I had while I had it?

Side note: I looked it up the other night. What can I do about this negative spinning? Turns out it’s not uncommon for women my age and knowing that oddly helped me relax about it. Apparently, I’m not the only one whose brain decides nighttime is a great time to rehearse worst-case scenarios.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Now let me ask you something.

Am I the only mom who looks at babies or toddlers and feels a pang of longing for those days?

When my kids were tiny – just learning to talk and walk – when they needed me for everything and we were discovering the world together in such simple ways…

I wish I had savored those exhausting days more.

Everyone warned me.

Sometimes complete strangers in the grocery store would smile at my babies and say, “It goes so fast. Enjoy every minute.”

Why didn’t I listen?

It’s hard when you’re in the thick of it but I think of this even today.

Someday I’m going to miss the season that I’m in right now too.

It’s exhausting in its own way – just with different hormone combinations.

Let’s Work – the exercise

Here’s one more example.

When Izak was born, I developed HELLP Syndrome. We spent five days in the hospital. I had had an emergency C-section, was moving slowly, and nursing was NOT going well. He got down to 5lbs 5oz.

Meanwhile, I was far too Type A to let laundry pile up or work wait.

So there I was: sleep deprived, stressed out, constipated, crabby… and then my refrigerator died.

I mean, it was one thing after another, and yet, I look back at that time with such fondness. Perhaps, it really was one of the BEST times of my life.

My first time being a mom.

No other children to care for.

Just one tiny human and a whole new world unfolding.

It was a season of challenge, discovery, and explosions of love that completely reshaped my life.

And now, here I sit in the silence of my home, while both kids are at school. If I’m lucky, I have about two and a half years left with this boy living at home full time.

Two and a half.

And that’s if I’m lucky.

We are not guaranteed even TODAY, much less years.

So yes, prepare for the future. Drink the water. Take the vitamins. Save the money.

But don’t get so busy preparing for life that you forget to live the one you already have.

Because one day – much sooner than you think – you’ll look back at this exact season and realize…

These were the days.

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The Real Answer Is Hiding In Plain Sight.

My hope in these newsletters is to help you find the little tweaks that can make the most positive difference for you.

Nutrition is one of the MOST IMPORTANT areas of opportunity because what you put IN effects everything your body does (metabolism, thinking, energy, mood, vibrance, immunity, poop…😁) Everything!

Did you know selenium, zinc and iodine support healthy thyroid function?

Most of us have heard that vitamins C and D, zinc and elderberry boost your immune system.

According to commonly cited hydration research, even a 2% drop in body water can impair short-term memory, focus, and basic cognitive tasks. And a significant portion of people have a blunted thirst mechanism – meaning what feels like hunger may actually be dehydration.

There’s a massive amount to know about nutrition – and once you start paying attention, it can feel like drinking from a fire hose.

And even if you do know a lot, what works for one woman, barely moves the needle for another.

We’ve drifted off course chasing the flashy ingredient, the trendy hack, the study that promises to change everything… Meanwhile, the fundamentals sit there – quiet, unglamorous, and wildly effective.

It just so happens that one of my favorite people in the world happens to be a Registered Dietitian.

Kelly Harrington and I were on the track team together at the University of Idaho 34 years ago. When I first moved to Denver back in 1999, Kelly and I were roommates.

She’s brilliant, grounded, and practical. She’s also a LOT of fun.

Kelly has had great success helping women with their nutrition so I asked her to share what she believes matters most.

GIRLS! Listen.

Two statements come to mind here.

1. Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results, and
2. “Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The WISE man learns from the mistakes of others.” ~ Otto von Bismarck

I want to get your minds right. This might not seem flashy or mind-blowingly NEW, but read it with the knowledge that IT. IS. THE TRUTH!

These are the most important things you should be paying attention to. FAR more important than any secret ingredient, miracle pill or new flashy secret.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Blood sugar stability is foundational.

Women are especially vulnerable to blood sugar swings during hormonal transitions, chronic stress, and sleep deprivation. In other words – motherhood.

When glucose and insulin are unstable, everything downstream is affected: mood, energy, cravings, inflammation, and long-term cardiovascular health.

Many women under-eat protein, particularly earlier in the day. As estrogen declines in perimenopause, glucose tolerance worsens, making blood sugar balance even more critical.

Add chronic cortisol elevation that can come with caregiving, and you have a perfect storm for dysregulation.

Stable blood sugar should be priority #1.

Meet your foundational nutrient needs.

Kelly consistently sees gaps in Vitamin D, Omega-3, and magnesium.

Chronic stress increases magnesium demand.

Low omega-3 status correlates with mood disorders.

Vitamin D3 levels are often suboptimal, especially in winter months. Testing is ideal when possible. Pair D3 with Vitamin K2 for proper balance.

A high-quality multivitamin and mineral supplement can help fill gaps – but food first, always.

Protect your nervous system.

Sleep, stress regulation, and restoration are not luxuries. They are metabolic requirements.

If you are constantly depleted and operating in a sympathetic (fight or flight) state, digestion, blood sugar regulation, and hormone balance all suffer.

You can not out-supplement chronic stress.

Prioritize Gut Health.

Daily fiber diversity is critical.

Adequate fiber supports:

• Estrogen metabolism
• Detoxification pathways
• Microbiome diversity
• Immune health
• Brain Health

Aim for 30+ different plant foods per week. Vegetables, fruits, herbs, beans, lentils, nuts, seeds, and whole grains all count.

Build meals that work for you!

At every meal, include:

• Protein
• Healthy Fats
• High-fiber carbohydrates

This combination minimizes blood sugar spikes and keeps energy (and cravings) stable.

And then there are the basics we all know, but often ignore:

• Sit down to eat (and ideally do NOTHING else while you eat)
• Hydrate
• Take rest when needed
• Schedule alone time
• Do something daily that lights you up!
• Set boundaries
• Stop putting yourself dead last

Let’s Work – the exercise

Moms are often the CEOs of everyone else’s health while quietly running on fumes themselves.

But your physiology does not care how selfless you are.

Your hormones, nervous system, and metabolism respond to inputs – sleep, stress, nourishment, hydration – whether you acknowledge them or not.

Stop searching for the magic pill or trick that will give you the steady energy, clear mind, emotional resilience, and long-term vitality you desire.

You don’t need more sexy hacks.

You NEED to master the basics. Consistently!

Foundations aren’t exciting. But they win. Every. Time. Build there first, and the “extras” actually have something solid to stand on.

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Hear Me Out

Of all the health measures – sleep, VO2, grip strength, steps – the most important, if your goal is to live a long, fulfilling life, is social connection.

Fitness expert Dan Go wrote in a recent newsletter,

Nadia, like many 12 year old girls, struggles to be interested in others. 😬

A while back, when I was particularly annoyed at her indifference to our guests, I asked her if she thought I was smart.

She looked at me quizzically. Like, Is this a trick question?

I could see her hesitation so I followed it up quickly with, “Am I as smart as your dad?”

That answer came more easily.

No.

“Do you think I’ve been successful in my life?”

Yes.

“How did I get to be successful if I’m not super smart?”

I don’t know.

I went on to explain that I have gotten opportunities in life in part because of the relationships I developed.

I’ve had the privilege of befriending many people who positively influenced me, did me favors, and made connections for me that changed the trajectory of my life.

I was trying to explain to her the importance of making friends.

I just wrote last week about mental health and the importance of letting kids be sad, mad, angry… let them feel all the emotions!

In our house, we aren’t encouraged to stay there however.

Nadia has fully embraced the classic role of sullen pre-teen more than once. We acknowledge that the hormonal waves moving through her body and brain are real, but struggling is not a free pass for disrespect.

We can validate her feelings without excusing poor behavior.

Feeling angry, overwhelmed, or moody is human. Speaking to people carelessly because you are is a skill gap – not a personality trait.

So we practice.

There is a difference between letting a child experience their emotions and allowing those emotions to spill into everyone around them. Misery doesn’t have to become a group project.

I’m talking about social skills.

Nadia is an introvert – and that’s wonderful! The world needs thoughtful, observant, reflective humans.

But introversion isn’t an exemption from learning how to connect. In fact, it’s a prominent reason to work even harder at it… So we practice – manners, eye contact, asking questions, showing interest in other people, stepping outside the comfort zone long enough to build relationships.

I don’t need her to be like me (yes, I’ve been called outgoing once or twice) but I do want her to have the skills to walk into a room and feel capable – not confined.

Because confidence isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room, it’s about knowing you can navigate it.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

It feels to me like we’ve swung from one extreme to the other. When I was growing up, kids were barely allowed to have an opinion – let alone voice their feelings.

Then the pendulum swung hard in the opposite direction: express yourself at all costs, be unapologetically you, even if it makes everyone around you uncomfortable.

I understand the heart behind that message. Of course we don’t want kids shrinking themselves to fit in. But confidence without consideration isn’t strength – it’s self-centeredness.

Teaching a child that their freedom to “be who they are” overrides other people’s freedom to choose their company sets them up for some hard lessons later.

Authenticity is important, but so is mutual respect. Both can exist at the same time – and that’s a balance worth aiming for.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I’m not here to hand you a script for this one. You may not even agree with me – and that’s ok. I’d genuinely love to hear your perspective.

I will say that your family will benefit from open and frequent conversations around this topic.

We talk about what kind of friends we want in our house. The traits we’re drawn to. The kind of people we hope to become.

Designing your character is far more powerful than reacting to your moods.

Who do we want to be known as?

Do we want to exude happiness or sadness?

Are we confident enough to express or show vulnerability?

Do we treat others as we want to be treated?

Again it’s back to deciding who our Ideal Woman is, then setting about creating her.

She doesn’t appear by accident. She’s built – choice by choice, response by response.

And yes, anyone has the right to be sullen, rude or chronically moody. But they should also understand that others have the right to choose the company they keep.

We create our atmosphere, so let’s be intentional.

​

A Season Of Preparation and Refocus

Nadia came home with the flu a week ago last Tuesday. We didn’t realize it was the flu until it was too late to give her Tamiflu. When Izak came down with it Saturday night, we got him on it Sunday morning… and six days later, he is still wrecked.

Three months ago I wrote to you about ways to boost your immune system.

Unfortunately, these kids have not been consistent with their morning drink (L-glutamine and colostrum) or their vitamins. I can’t help but wonder, as miserable as Izak is right now, if he will be more diligent from now on.

Meanwhile, I’ve been coughed on, breathed on, and slobbered on. I’ve collected used tissues, scrubbed dishes from their infested rooms, and feel like I’m running a hazmat operation.

And I still feel fine.

I’m a rhinoceros.

Immune strength depends on sleep, proper nutrition, sunlight, washing hands… but it’s also tied to stress.

Which brings me to something seemingly unrelated – Lent.

For everyone, this is flu season. In the Catholic faith, this is also a season of renewal.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

Lent started this week on Ash Wednesday. For 40 dys leading up to Easter, Catholics fast, pray and practice generosity, serve others, and resist temptation to deepen their relationship with God.

Whether you’re Catholic or not, there is wisdom here.

I began this season by reading the Litany of Humility. This year, it hit differently. Hard.

I talk often about ego and how it gets in the way of all the wonderful things I want more of in my life.

Peace. Grace. Love.

Reading that prayer asking God to free me from my need for comfort, praise, and approval felt like a body blow.

How many times, for how many years of my life, am I going to struggle to release myself from the self-inflicted bonds of my own over-active ego?

Today’s prayer was more simple.

Empty me – of what disrupts my peace.

Fill me – with a desire to be more like Him.

Use me – let my words and actions reflect God.

Even if you’re not Catholic. Even if you’re not religious. Can you see how beautiful it would be to live this way?

Less striving. Less ego. Less noise.

More peace.

A nervous system living in peace is stronger to fight of germs and other nonsense.

Let’s Work – the exercise

We can’t control every virus that enters our home, but we can control how regulated we are inside of it.

What would be the harm in putting more attention on letting go of all that we pretend to have power over, but don’t?

What would be good about simplifying our lives and renewing our focus on what matters most?

After a particularly frustrating tennis drill this morning, I decided to give up cussing for Lent.

My husband is still laughing.

I’m going to have to start over tomorrow but at least I’m trying. I’m not going to add more stress by beating myself up for my imperfections.

I will love my way through these next 40 days and see what happens.

What could you limit, eliminate or add during this season to bring you more peace, joy and love?

​

Hard Conversations Worth Having

I’m sitting down to write this moments after learning of yet another suicide – this time a long time family friend.

Another young man leaving this world by choice, when others are desperately fighting for every second they get to stay here.

One of my best friends in high school committed suicide. Her first attempt, I was actually in the car with her when she Thelma and Louise’d us off an embankment toward the river below.

I didn’t realize this was intentional until much later.

I’m not proud to admit we’d been drinking before this happened. I cratered the windshield with my head (I still have the “V” scar on my forehead) so my memory of our conversation moments before the Duke of Hazard ride were forgotten until some time later.

I talked her out of suicide many times after that. Eventually, after she moved away to college, she was successful.

I don’t share this for shock value or drama. I share it to explain why I feel like I understand, at least a little, why some people come to believe this devastating choice is their only option.

This was one of my motivations for creating the Arete Warriors program in the first place.

I feel like so many young adults are seeing others’ highlights on social media (for example) and mistaking the continual glamour and celebration for the norm, then silently wondering what is wrong with them, that they are NOT always so happy.

Please know, I’m not blaming social media!

It’s GOOD to see happiness, success, and greatness – but it’s also worth discussing the work it takes to get there. We need to be honest that even the most “put together” lives are not all sunshine and roses, even if they appear to be.

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

In our Arete Warrior workouts, the kids had to do a one-minute burpee test. With loud motivating enthusiasm, students would cheer on their partner, encouraging them to squeeze out every last rep during those sixty seconds of physical misery.

I would walk around the room and ask the struggling burpee performers to notice what was going on in their minds. “What are you saying to yourself right now?!”

I’d ask them to check in with their suffering. “Are you uncomfortable?!”

“Where do you feel it?”

We had powerful conversations afterward about how GREAT they felt on the other side of that agony. We’d relish the sense of accomplishment, adrenaline, and the amazement that their bodies were even capable of such effort!

The lesson was less about burpees, and more about learning to embrace discomfort as a part of life – as a pathway to growth. And of course, recognizing the truth that our minds can play tricks on us!

When they were asked to really sit with the pain, they realized it was not in fact, going to kill them.

Of course, one minute of physical suffering doesn’t prepare one for the depth of mental aguish many people endure. But it opens the door to talking about it.

I’ve already told both my kids about our friend’s death by choice. They knew him, pretty well.

It is nothing to shelter them from. We openly discussed (Izak on the phone and Nadia in the car) how sad it was that he felt so lonely, sad, scared… so hopeless that he couldn’t see another way forward.

We talked about how lucky we are to know Jesus – to have a relationship with Someone who brings comfort, understanding, hope and strength when life feels unbearable.

It is not our job to judge him.

I feel only sorrow. Sorrow for him, for his family, for us… and gratitude for the love, kindness and dedicated attention he showed us each on so many occasions.

He really did make this world a better place. I’m so sorry he didn’t know this. Or that it didn’t matter enough for him to stay.

Let’s Work – the exercise

I don’t write this to bring you down. It is a sad topic. But it is alarming to me how MANY people I have known who felt there was no other option.

Mental health conversations are more welcome today than they once were. People are more open about their struggles. Therapies and treatments exist for those who are well enough to pursue them.

I need my kids to know, especially because they DO have such an “easy” life, that there will be hard times. There will be intrusive, bad thoughts and feelings. And they will pass, as long as they don’t let themselves be consumed or defined by them.

Discomfort does not mean something is wrong.

Pain does not mean you are broken.

Struggle does not mean you are alone.

Lisa Damour is one of my favorite authors on the subject of adolescent mental health and resilience. She warns that uncomfortable emotions are not only normal, but essential to growing healthy teens.

Also, I am an open book – a passionate (perhaps excessively) emotionally charged person. My kids see my husband and I verbally spar. I admit, I say irreverent things and I am not afraid to complain out loud about this or that in front of my kids.

They see daily that my every emotion is not butterflies and bliss, and yet, I think they would tell you I’m a genuinely happy person.

We welcome all emotions here. We try not to wallow in the negative ones, but we also recognize that they are important to experience.

I try to always validate what they’re willing to admit they feel.

I try never talk them out of feeling what they’re feeling. I want them to trust their ability to recognize their emotions, and not be afraid of them.

I’m not telling you I’m doing it right. I’m not even suggesting you do it this way in your house. I’m just telling you what I’m doing here – presenting an option for you if you have not adopted a game plan around this topic yet.

Mental health is not the absence of negative emotions, but the ability to sit with them, know they will pass, and not let our lives be consumed by them.

Your kids are never too young to start learning about the power they have. And you are never too old to discover yours.

​

But Even A Superhero Fails On E

34 people subscribed to this newsletter after last week’s post about Nadia’s health struggles.

One of our rules here is Do Not Assume (The Four Agreements), but the timing of this influx does tempt me to guess that many of you are searching for improvements in your health. Or your children’s.

Either way, welcome. I’m truly so glad you’re here and I sincerely hope this little bit of perspective that lands in your inbox each Saturday morning will be worth the time it takes you to read it.

I feel compelled to add that I am not a doctor. Or a psychologist, therapist or even a certified life coach.

But I was a cheerleader in 8th grade so…

And I do have a love for all things self-improvement, vibrant health and helping moms create lives that feel better – not just look good from the outside.

Because if we’re being honest, many of us are hanging on by the seat of our pants, one dropped ball away from panic, while trying to maintain the illusion that we’re doing it all with ease.

Last week I added to your list of responsibilities by suggesting that you not only have to advocate for your own health, but that of your kids as well.

Super. 🙄

So this week, I want to give you some encouragement, because who can’t use a bit of that right now?

Let’s Prepare – the warm up

There are two quick points I want to make.

You are busy loving on these people you live with, but are you feeling loved?

Love cannot be poured out from an empty tank. It’s a currency and when it’s depleted, things can tip in a disastrous direction.

Every blow up I’ve ever been ashamed of (including Tuesday’s) happened when my love tank was on E.

As mothers, we already accept that we won’t meet our kids’ every need in every moment. The same is true in reverse. Our kids, and our husbands, won’t always meet ours either.

It IS possible, probable actually, that we will find ourselves operating on empty many times throughout our lives.

That’s why I love this reminder from You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero.

How different would your life be if you embraced this as 100% undeniable fact?

Do you FEEL loved?

I know most of us feel needed, but do you feel supported, held, chosen?

Do you believe “the Universe… wants to give you everything you desire?”

Many of us are so busy making sure everyone around us is happy, we might feel like the Universe is in fact against us!

I know that when I’m operating from a state of believing I am being “wrapped in a warm gorilla hug of adoration”, my thoughts, language and actions are a lot more inviting for the Universe to “give me everything I desire”.

On Tuesday I wasn’t there. I was operating from tension, resistance and a serious lack of love (and sleep) – and that never ends well.

I did not feel the Universe “wants me to be happy” – so I made sure no one around me was either. 🫣

Another important point Sincero makes is this.

I know we are here to improve, so maybe it’s confusing for me to ask you to believe you’re already perfect as you are, but Reinhold Niebuhr states in my favorite prayer:

The river would be silly to waste energy trying to change her curves, the direction of her flow or the intensity of her rapids.

Imagine how defeating that would be – to go against the Universe like that.

And yet, many of us waste an absurd amount of our precious energy trying to change who we were put on this earth to be, maybe because we don’t actually know who that is anymore.

With constant comparison just a scroll away, it’s no wonder we’re confused about who we’re meant to be and what our life is supposed to look like.

Instead of embracing our uniqueness, we try to blend in. Instead of celebrating differences, we judge those who don’t do it the way we do.

Maybe the real work isn’t becoming someone new – but finally remembering who we were before the noise got so loud.

If you’re exhausted, snappy, discouraged, or quietly resentful, before you blame yourself for failing, ask yourself this…

If I truly loved myself for who I am, uniquely and wonderfully made, would that self-love fill my tank enough to operate from a more peaceful, grace-filled place?

Let’s Work – the exercise

This week I don’t want you to fix anything. I just want you to notice.

Notice when your tank is low.

Notice when you’re not embracing who you are and what makes you uniquely you.

Notice that you can love yourself!

You matter. Your energy matters. Your presence matters.

And the world, your family included, needs YOU, not a burned out, diluted, empty version of you.

What have you been watering down about yourself to fit in?

What do you LOVE about yourself? Are you willing to state it out-loud, boldly?

What if I asked you to tell me what you LOVE about your kiddo? Would that be so much easier to do?

The best way to raise kids who love themselves is to let them watch a grown-up who truly does.