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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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Your Kid Isn’t The Problem
Last week’s newsletter clearly struck a chord, so we’re staying one more week with parenting struggles.
Nineteen years ago, in a therapy session, I shared a story about bossing my husband around. I think I was silencing him in front of others or something.
My therapist calmly asked, “Why do you feel you need to do that?”
“Because he’s such a good guy – I want people to like him!”
She paused, then asked, “Why? What would it say about you if they didn’t?”
Her point was simple and uncomfortable: Why does it matter if other people like him? I like him! That’s all that counts.
It was a profound moment for me (obviously, if I remember it all these years later).
Not only the lesson of letting my husband be who he is, but also the epiphany of my annoyance with someone else’s behavior coming back to it being MY issue. Not theirs.
Their behavior isn’t the problem. It’s how or what I’m thinking about it that needs to be addressed.
Fast forward to today, this lesson repeats itself daily in my role as Mom.
I’ve always assumed it’s my job to mold and shape these small humans into responsible, capable, kind adults.
But what if my job is also just to love them for who they already are?
What if I was more eager to be curious than to correct?
One day after kindergarten, Izak got into the car in tears. He’d just gotten in trouble in the carpool line. I don’t remember what he did – but I do remember that he’d just had cupcakes for a classmate’s birthday.
In a calm, interested way, I noticed aloud that this was the second time recently that he’d gotten in trouble after having sugar.
His tears stopped almost instantly as a lightbulb turned on in his little brain.
“And I don’t like how I feel when I eat sugar!”
He has rarely consumed it since.
Just like that.
I didn’t force a rule. I didn’t create a consequence. Curiosity created awareness, which changed his behavior.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
Nadia on the other hand has battled me for years with her sugar obsession.
I’ve toyed around with just letting her have it all… but then would eventually put my foot down when she’d get sick or I just couldn’t take it anymore.
When she found out her A1C levels were pre-diabetic, she finally reined it in herself. SHE decided she wanted to eat less sugar, but she still struggles with it.
My friend and therapist Theresa Grzebinski reminded me recently to get curious.
“Curiosity is a superpower!” she told me. “A kid’s behavior is information.”
In her practice and as a mom, she’s interested in the kids’ point of view.
Instead of helping parents work on a kids’ behavior, I’m more focused on why – why is this kiddo struggling? Research shows kids do well when they can. Something is making this hard for them. Get curious and creative. Problem solve together instead of getting angry and turning to consequences and punishments.
I confess, I often go straight to discipline – but threatening Nadia with whatever consequences isn’t going to make her crave sugar less.
If anything, it’s going to make her want it more.
Last night at her physical, the doctor asked if she’s noticed a difference since eating less sugar.
She shrugged, “Not really.”
😵 I almost screamed.
Since cutting back on the sugar (and adding vitamins and thyroid medication) she’s missed FAR fewer days of school, hasn’t had one migraine, and has had the energy to make it through every diving practice.
All of that is a 180 from where we were.
But she’s 12. And she likes sugar.
So instead of arguing with her, I got curious.
On our drive to Parkour she was in a good mood (timing matters) so I asked her why she thinks she craves sugar so much.
It didn’t take her long to respond.
“I can’t focus without it.”
She went on to explain how hard it is to concentrate, how she sometimes reads the same simple sentence multiple times without getting it.
And there it was. A clue.
I know kids (and adults) who struggle with focus chase dopamine. Sugar delivers it – fast.
It’s not just a lack of discipline. It’s a brain looking for support.
Now that doesn’t mean we throw out all boundaries and let her live on chocolate chips. But it does reinforce the idea that I need to consider she’s wired differently than I am.
I feel better with minimal sugar. She might need a different amount.
Maybe we should limit it more at night (so she can sleep) but allow more during the day. Maybe it means finding other ways to help her focus so sugar isn’t her only tool.
The point is, had I not been curious, I never would have gotten this bit of information that might lead to a more doable solution than me just inserting my power, will and RULES on her.
Curiosity doesn’t mean permissiveness. It means partnership. Shifting from control to collaboration changes everything.
Let’s Work – the exercise
I invite you to listen to my full conversation with Theresa. It’s the kind of wisdom that makes you rethink how you’re showing up – not just as a parent, but as a human.
