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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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The Me I Long To Be Is Built, Not Born
Last week I mentioned our New Year Resolutions should be identity-based. This means crafting a statement that describes who you want to BE instead of what you want to accomplish.
“I am a lean, healthy mama” is an identity-based statement.
“I want to lose 10 pounds” is a goal that a lean, healthy mama would never have to make because she’s already there.
If you open this on the day it’s sent you’re 3 days in to January, 2026. Some have already loosened, or let go of entirely, the great intentions they set only 3 days ago.
When we actually SET these intentions, we MEAN it! Right?
So how does all that motivation disappear so quickly?
Our mindsets are actually the settings of our mind and therefore can be changed.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
What is your mindset about the world for example? Is it a safe or dangerous place?
How about money? Are you driven by scarcity or do you believe the world is abundant has enough for all of us?
What is your mindset about healthy food? Is it deprivation of all that is yummy or is it scrumptious and delicious?
How about your abilities? Are they fixed? Are we all just born with a given DNA and a given potential? Or can we grow and develop the skills, habits and tendencies that would change our trajectory?
In this Mel Robins podcast, Dr Alia Crum explains why beliefs are so important. Her 2011 famous Milkshake Study gave 46 participants a 380-calorie milkshake on two separate occasions.
At one session, the shake was labeled a “620-calorie Indulgent shake.”
At the other, the exact same 380-calorie shake was labeled a “140-calorie Sensible shake”.
When participants believed they were drinking the indulgent shake, their ghrelin levels (hunger hormone) dropped three times more than when they thought it was the “sensible” option.
Essentially, their bodies responded to the label rather than the actual calories, making them feel physically fuller based on perception alone. 🤯
Your mindset (or settings in your mind) are hugely important and can be changed! But again, you need to know what they are before you can determine if they need changing.
A great self-discovery tool to figure these out is The Work of Byron Katie. I will take you through an abbreviated version of it here. Feel free to do it with me.
Write out a sentence you believe to be true.
My daughter doesn’t listen to me.
Is it true?
Yes.
What happens (how do you react) when you believe that thought?
I feel like she’s doing it on purpose so I take it personally. I get mad! I have no patience because it happens so often. I roll my eyes. I am annoyed!
Who would you be without that thought?
😯
I’d be a much more patient mom. The kind of mom I want to be.
What ELSE could be as true or MORE true? Write the sentence in all the other ways it could be written.
My daughter listens to me.
My daughter can’t hear me.
I don’t listen to my daughter.
Then spend a little time with each of these sentences.
The “I don’t listen to my daughter” one gets me. Could be true in her eyes.
“My daughter CAN’T hear me” has some potential. Her little brain is so busy with ALLLLLL the other things, my words just slide right through those ears.
She may in fact be listening to me, but she’s not doing what I say. Is there some sort of cognitive reason she’s not following my instructions? Am I giving too many tasks at once? I wonder if when I’m giving her things to do I should write them down. 🤔
None of this makes it less annoying! But it does help me not take it personally and I may be on to some ideas as to how to help the situation instead of just spinning in the same reactive patterns.
Let’s Work – the exercise
You’ve heard me talk before about my Ideal Woman. Have you spent any time creating yours?
Honestly.
Have you closed your eyes, gotten quiet, and really spent some time visualizing who she is? What she looks like? How she acts?
When I’m stressed, reactive, or tempted to choose what’s easy, I try to pause and ask: how would she respond? Not how I feel in this moment—but how the woman I respect would act.
Having a clear vision of who you want to be creates a decision filter. It pulls you out of emotion and into identity.
Instead of negotiating with excuses, you’re aligning with values.
Over time, this mental model shrinks the gap between intention and behavior – because identity-driven choices require less willpower and produce more consistency.
Motivation fades. Feelings lie. Identity doesn’t.
When you know who you’re becoming, your responses and actions start matching your standards – even on the days your kids are loud, your patience is thin, and life is asking a lot.
