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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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See irritations as a GIFT for learning.
I remember years ago watching a client stroll in 25 minutes late for her appointment.
I saw her coming from quite a ways away as I was waiting for her at the front of the building. She would only have half of her one hour session left and she was paying (what I thought to be) a hefty sum for my time.
And yet, she walked. Slowly.
I remember marveling at this, because I knew if I were late, I would be sprinting.
I could almost feel my stress rise imagining myself in her shoes. I would be carrying 14 things, running while trying to manage it all, out of breath, apologizing profusely as I ran through the door.
But she walked.
Seemingly unconcerned about the money she was wasting. Unbothered by the short time she would get with me. Almost unaware that anyone else was affected by her tardiness.
As I watched, my astonishment turned into admiration.
Look at all that stress she is saving herself by not caring!
What good would it do, really, for her to run? It might save her 1 minute at this point and most certainly would add to her stress level.
Why on EARTH, when I can’t remember important passwords or where I put my phone, do I remember such an insignificant moment from probably 15 years ago?
Have you ever heard the saying, “People won’t remember what you say. They will only remember how you make them feel.”?
This client didn’t “make me feel” anything. It was my own self discovery that made the moment memorable.
As profound as it was, it didn’t cure me.
Years later I caught myself being annoyed by someone showing up late for a tennis date.
I was listening to some book at the time so had it on my mind to
A. NOTICE that I was annoyed and
B. ASK myself WHY.
Was I taking it personally? (Remember The Four Agreements?)
If other people’s actions bother me, that says more about ME than it does them.
I know that if I’m bothered by something someone does, “school is in session” so I want to investigate what I’m supposed to be learning in that moment.
The easy response was, “It’s disrespectful.” “She’s wasting our time.” “If we agreed on X time, she should keep her word.”
But again, all of this was about HER. Not ME.
There were 3 others waiting. THEY didn’t seem to care much.
What was her action triggering in me?
I exchanged my judgement of her, for curiosity for myself and it led to this epiphany.
I was jealous of her.
😳
I WISH I was able to just saunter on to a court 10 minutes late and not even feel compelled to rush, much less apologize to those waiting.
I would be in a state of panic, feeling horrible about myself and begging for forgiveness.
How FREEING it must be for her to just walk through life without much concern about what others are thinking.
I know some of you are feeling annoyed as you read this.
“But it’s RUDE.” 🤨 😝
I know. It is. But I truly believe we are supposed to be learning something about OURSELVES when we feel annoyed, bothered, or angry.
Imagine what we would learn if we truly viewed these inconveniences as GIFTS.
My getting curious led me to a discovery about myself that I should THANK her for.
I didn’t know I didn’t like this about myself… my rigid, uptight personality around time.
People “wasting my time” has always been a pet peeve of mine, and in that moment, I learned I’d rather be a little more relaxed around this issue.
It’s EXHAUSTING to always have to “be early or your late”…
I’d rather be more flexible. Relaxed!
I’m not CURED of this life-long peculiarity, but the discovery has allowed me so much more understanding when it happens.
I’m less bothered by it. In fact, sometimes I smile to myself.
The truth is, perpetually late people probably don’t like that about themselves either, regardless of how nonchalant they act about it.
This (being late) is maybe the wrong example to use but in general, if someone is “rude”, it is because of their own problems, not the person they’re being rude to.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Let’s Prepare – the warm up
I’ve talked before about this “school is in session” concept. I may have even shared with you what I discovered when using it on my kids once.
I get really annoyed when I feel like my kids (or husband) aren’t listening to me.
I mean we all do, probably, but I get mad.
I investigated this once and learned why.
I was raised in a house with 5 kids. It was busy. Our parents did not have the time (or desire) for everyone to get a vote before making decisions. In fact, we were not often asked for our opinions.
When I went away to college, I remember my new found autonomy being a big deal to me.
I was so excited to get to call my own shots.
When my opinions, statements or instructions are ignored, it triggers this little child in me that felt unimportant.
It’s not my kids’ fault I have this little scar. But now that I know it’s there, I can take a breath before responding, because I know it’s not about them. It’s about me.
Let’s Work – the exercise
The next time you’re bothered by someone, ask yourself (ideally before responding)
- What is this anger about really? What is it about ME that finds this upsetting?
Because truly, someone in your exact same position, would not.
What one finds offensive, another would laugh about.
Why is that?
It’s because of some wound the bothered person has that’s being scratched.
Brene Brown talks about this in this video. She also has another fabulous self discovery exercise. Fill in the blank to this sentence.
It’s really important for me not to be perceived as ________.
I found this to be rather stunning as well. (So fun!) When I filled this sentence in, it made so much sense. I could explain so many flare ups in my life. 😆
If you respond to me and tell me what your word is, I’ll share with you mine. 😜
