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Arete Warriors – spirit, mind, body strong
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If the truth hurts, you likely need it.
When is the last time a friend or family member challenged you to see things differently?
Or are you surrounded by people that only smile, reassure & encourage you?
The latter sounds more comfortable, but are you really perfect? 😝
As mothers, we likely try to convince our children (& husbands) to see things our way often.
I want to share with you an experience I had helping Nadia see things differently once. I used a simplified version of The Work of Byron Katie.
She was maybe 9 & struggling with one of her gymnastics coaches, big time.
We sat down at the kitchen table on a Wednesday (because she didn’t have her usual 3 hour practice that night). I asked her to summarize her problem in one sentence.
She wrote on her paper, “Claire is trying to HURT me.”
I then asked her, “Is this true? Can you absolutely KNOW that it is true?”
In the self-righteous anger that we can all relate to, she responded “Yes!”
I then instructed her to rewrite the sentence in all other possible ways, & to think about how each one could be as true, or possibly even MORE true, than her original sentence.
Although she did as instructed, (“Claire is not trying to hurt me.” “I am trying to hurt Claire.”) she did not seem to be accepting either of these as remotely possible, let alone true.
I felt we were wasting our time as her resistance was so strong, so I just grabbed the paper & told her to go play. I was a bit defeated & bummed my plan had not worked.
Thursday she had practice & I didn’t hear anything from her that night about her usual struggles.
Friday, she was in the bath after her practice & she randomly, thoughtfully said from the tub, “Mom, tonight at practice, I was looking at Claire & I thought, ‘She’s not trying to hurt me.'”
😳 🥹
It still makes me a bit teary when I retell the story.
As a mother, I feel one of my most important jobs is to teach my kids how to manage their minds.
Being aware of how powerful our thinking is, & realizing we have the ability to change it, is a superpower that will help us so much in life.
Our version of the truth, is not always (or even usually) the absolute truth for everyone. That difference in perception is often the cause of suffering.
Some might argue that my conversation with Nadia was a mother teaching her daughter to not trust her gut. Maybe some would say my job is to validate her feelings, no matter what they are.
I agree one of my roles is to simply be a witness (not a fixer), but I am not a Yes Mom.
I don’t think being told “You’re right. The rest of the world is wrong.” is going to help them in the long run.
I also appreciate those I love challenging ME on occasion.
Years ago I showed up 3 days in a row to workout with a friend who casually, nicely pointed out how ragged my clothes were.
Each day I looked down in surprise to realize how right she was! I was not offended in the least! I was thankful!
She taught me to pay a bit more attention, to CARE how I was presenting myself to the world, & you know what? I started upgrading my wardrobe a bit & my self-confidence improved.
Another friend once confirmed that I needed to lose weight & a few years later, cut my hair (get an actual hairdo).
I did both & my life was better for it.
These are material, vain examples. I’ve had other, more sensitive, personal moments I assure you, but the point is, it is in the job description of my closest friends to make me a better human.
Usually, no words are even needed, much less hurtful ones. Often just their excellent example to me inspires me to be better. How they live their lives. How they respond to adversity, make tough decisions & self-correct.
But the same is true for our children. We are their biggest influence by simply the example we are to them.
Let’s Work – the exercise
I invite you to do the exercise I did with Nadia above, on yourself.
Choose a belief that is not serving you & walk through the steps above.
If you want extra credit, do it in front of your kids or as a family.
I’d love to hear from you if you try this. The Work of Katie Byron can be profound mamas! But you actually have to do it. 😉
